1st Angelversary

To lose a child is the worst pain in life... I will always miss my daughter, even as I watch my other child(ren) grow. It should be against every natural and moral law to have to bury your baby. But somehow it still happens... You never truly "get over" a loss like mine and those that expect you to, should be ashamed So if I stop to speak her name, don't turn a strange glare or alienate me. Instead, applaud the strength it took for me to say her name without breaking down. I carried her for 4 months and never was given the chance to hold her in my arms. I miss her more than words. Today, we remember our tiny dancer, Molli.
♥ CMR ♥
12/31/2011

Lost...

51 weeks tomorrow... 1 year since your tiny heart stopped beating. It has yet to get "easier" for me. Mommy misses you. I will cry a river this week as so many emotions flood my memory. You stopped life on earth on 12/31/2011 and on 01/02/2012, you broke our hearts forever.

I will always miss you no matter the days, weeks, or years that will come and go. I will have times of bitterness, bouts of loneliness, and moments of great sadness now that you have left this world. My inner being hurts to hold you just once for I know I would never let go.

To smell the baby aroma on your forehead, kiss those rosy cheeks, run my finger down the bridge of your nose, count all fingers and toes, and tell you how I've longed to hear you cry... I would cause you to stir just so I could wipe a tear fro...m your angelic eye. I would sing to you your song, my tiny dancer while on this earth... I would grace your ears with my lips as I whisper each verse. I could breathe you in with every breath I take... Reassuring you of my unconditional love forever and always. I would glance upon your face and sketch a photo in my mind... I would never forget a grimace, a frown, even a smile, carefully memorizing each line. I would place my finger in your hand while your reflexes take grasp... and I'd remember every sound you made ... every baby gasp.

These are things stolen from me... Memories robbed. Do you sing in your sleep when you're dreaming? Do you giggle out loud? I'll never get the chance to experience any of this now but in my mind you're perfect, and I imagine you to be just as I've described.

I can't believe it's only been a year since I carried you in my tummy. I can believe how hard it's been to cope though. I miss you so much, Molli. The loss of a child is irreparable.

Mommy loves you!
♥ CMR ♥

December 26th

This is a rough day for Mommy, Molli. On this very day... just one year ago, it was the last time me and your Daddy saw you alive. I watch the ultrasound video back over and over sometimes... in disbelief. How did this happen to such a healthy, perfect baby girl? How could my doctor have been so stupid as to miss such a big thing... that caused me to lose you!?

I hurt inside when remembering... I lose my breath each time I think back on the memories of when we lost you. December 26, 2011 was such a different time for Mommy. I was so very happy and overjoyed on that day... like a million bucks, and nobody could bring me down that day... this I remember. We saw you having hiccups and we laughed... measured that beautiful heartbeat at 146 bpm... watched you pull your cord inbetween ...your legs and acting all modest. My God, I sit and cry out at times... Why did I have to endure this pain in my life? Why me?

I miss you so much always and there's not a day when it gets "easier" to miss you.

One year ago today, I held you inside my tummy... I carried you! Mommy would do it all again if given the chance... I would have saved you, had I known you were slipping. Molli, there's still so much hurt and regret I could never expect for anyone to understand... but I know there's a place in grief where you are there for me to lean on, my tiny dancer, our guardian angel.

It's a very long road ahead, still... I will forever miss my baby girl. I love you, angel.
♥ CMR ♥

Rough Nights

Mommy's having a rough night tonight. I sit here cuddling your baby brother, so grateful to have him here with us... Then I also wonder if you would have looked like him, what would your personality be like?

It's growing closer to the day my world came crashing down around me and I pray for strength. The grief comes and goes but is far stronger here lately.

I have seen the worst and have held the best... I wouldn't trade the memories for anything. If I had read the last page first... If only I could have saved you.
...
I wish you could meet your baby brother. You would adore him like we do! He's amazing and so beautiful. I trust you gave him those dimples for Mommy and Daddy to kiss!

We love you, angel!
Merry Christmas!
♥ CMR ♥

Allow

Stop!
Watch what you say!
Have you considered how I'm dealing?
... Could you imagine the pain?

Breathe,
Allow me to grieve,
For a tiny dream was all too soon,
Stolen from me.

Precious moments glimmered
In hopes of June's arrival,
Yet December's bitter embrace
Stripped away her rights to survival

So please,
Won't you allow me...?
I'm missing my daughter
And no, it's not time to set her free

49 Weeks Later

49 weeks and I feel you here with me daily.

Did you send the ladybugs today? Thank you. Mommy needed that little nudge as if to say "it's ok, Mom."

I love you so much, Molli. Your ornaments were placed on the tree today and still... as I placed the one we had made last year, when you were in Mommy's tummy, on the tree... something died inside of me. A happiness I fear I will never find again, the first pregnancy I had ever had the joy of experiencing and carrying within me, and my baby girl that I dreamed of holding come that warm June day that you were due to arrive upon.
...
Merry Christmas to my baby girl in Heaven. Dreams fade but memories forever stay.
♥ CMR ♥

12/12/2012

12/12/12 ... Your baby brother is 1 month old today! And today also marks 6 months from your due date... ironically.

You would be 6 months old today and such a big girl by now. I'd see smiles, grins, smirks, and hear your little voice so clearly by now. You'd be learning to roll over, sit up, and use your hands too! Oh at all you would do ... My little pride and joy!

Mommy grieves for these moments missed. You are never forgotten, always so loved. You were alive. You did exist. You are my baby.
...
I love you, Molli.
♥ CMR ♥

One Year Ago...

This day one year ago... we went in for our NT scan at our Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor and walked out with an ultrasound picture that said "It's a GIRL!" I could not have been happier! We left from there and ate McAlister's Deli with your Nana, then met Aunt B at the mall to build you your 1st stuffed animal (Smurfette - Mommy still has her in the closet), and then off to Books-a-Million where Nana bought you your 1st MudPie item (a pair of "I ♥ Santa" bloomers).

We were so excited that you would be joining our little Ohana soon. 12/09/11 was by far one of the best days of our lives... Our baby was 100% perfect and healthy... and a sweet baby girl (just as we had hoped and prayed for all these years).

It's crazy how much has changed in a year. It's hard to realize that this year I'm spending my 1st Christmas without you. Mommy misses you!
♥ CMR ♥

48 Weeks Later

48 weeks... Dear God, I fall to my knees and cry out "Why?" I'm not perfect and I still grieve regardless of what blessings come my way... I will always miss our baby girl.

I will never understand why you had to wear wings instead of the beautiful clothes we had picked out for you here. I can never grasp the concept that my daughter will never run to me when she needs lifting up, when she needs a tear wiped from her cheek, and when she has something to show pride in and know her Mommy and Daddy support her 100%.

My grief is heavy with strong regret and burdens of error. I will blame so many for so long. Mommy misses you so much. Love you to the moon and back! 

48 weeks and not a teardrop in vain. I miss you so much. I hope you love the Christmas lights from up there. I bet they are a sight to see! ♥

Today we saw a ladybug on the wall in our apartment and knew it must've been a sign from you. Our June bug... Comforting us in her own way.

We love you, baby girl.


♥ CMR ♥

December, Me to You...

Mommy hurts to hold you. Today is the 1st of the month. I remember this day last year. Mommy was nearing her "12 weeks" pregnant milestone and so excited to be entering the 2nd trimester. Everyone told me and Daddy about how the miscarriage rate drops to less than 2% at this point... We were so elated. It's amazing what all can change in just 31 days. This month is dedicated to you, our tiny dancer. We will always miss you. We forever love you!

47 Weeks Later

I sit here this morning watching your baby brother hum and coo in his sleep... and I wipe tear after tear. I wanted so badly to hear your coos, your hums, and your cry.

Mommy is so extremely grateful for your baby brother but he can never take away the pain and heartache of losing you.... It wouldn't be fair to expect him to either.

I miss you. I wish you were here with each passing moment. I hurt and my heart will always be slightly broken, bruised, and lost in a moment. I will always long to hold you.
...

It's been 47 weeks and I still can't catch my breath when I think of you, baby girl. It hurts like no other pain I have ever known. Mommy loves you so much! You are always the tiny dancer of my heart.
♥ CMR ♥

Happy 1st Thanksgiving, Molli!

We took baby brother to Denny's last night in honor of you, baby girl. I remember last year's Thanksgiving when Mommy was too tired to cook (being 10 weeks pregnant with you), so Daddy gave me the night off by taking us to Denny's.

I recall saying it was the best turkey/dressing dinner I had had in a while, granted food tastes better when you're expecting! I never thought this year we would be taking your week old baby brother there ... without you.

I must say, I praise God for him! He's got the best disposition already! He is our rainbow, after all! And even though it can't be you here celebrating your 1st Christmas, I know you're here in spirit and watching over your baby brother.

We love you, angel! Dreams are made of the hopes and possibilities of the heart... You gave us that hope and now we are living a dream with your brother, Tryton.

46 Weeks Later

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46 weeks and life has been so busy lately. I still find time to miss you, wipe a few tears, and talk to the wind where I hope you're listening... We miss you more each day, we love you more than the sun or moon, and we are cherishing every moment we have been given with your baby brother. Keep a close eye on him for us. We love you and your baby brother so much!

 ♥ CMR ♥

45 Weeks Later - Try Arrives!

It's been 45 weeks and Mommy has some wonderful news. Your baby brother was born 11/14/12 at 9:47 a.m. He weighed 6 lb. 15 oz. and measured 19 1/2 inches long.  He is so beautiful. I imagined you to look just as he does. There is a piece of you here with us always. 

We love you, Molli!
♥ CMR ♥

44 Weeks Later

It's been 11 months now, 44 weeks... I am having a hard time accepting this. It's supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year," yet I long for my baby girl every day. This was to be your first Thanksgiving and Christmas! We had the perfect tutus picked out and hanging in your closet, an ornament made with your expected arrival date, and dreams of sugar plums dancing in our heads. You were the life we were planning our life around, so when yours came to an end... ours stood still! We miss you so much, Molli. Mommy's heart is forever broken and held together only by the memory of you, my daughter, our tiny dancer, and such a magnificent sight to see on ultrasound. You are so very loved here on earth.

Your baby brother will be here soon... I'll give him lots of kisses from his big sister and I'll tell him how much you wish you could have been here to meet him and personally share your toys with him! He loves you already...
♥ CMR ♥

43 Weeks Later

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43 weeks... My heart remains torn from you being gone. We miss you so very much. You will be forever loved here on earth.
♥ CMR ♥

42 Weeks Later

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42 weeks... Some days are harder than others. We miss you so much. You'll be in my heart... always! We love you, baby girl. ♥ CMR ♥

41 Weeks Later

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41 weeks and today is October 15 (Miscarriage and Infant Loss Day). We miss you so much and still find ourselves wiping tears in your memory.

You will always be loved and remembered by me and your Daddy. Our tiny dancer!
♥ CMR ♥

40 Weeks Later

40 weeks, 10 months later. We miss you baby girl! You will always be in our hearts and minds. Mommy is doing a 31 day challenge for the month of October and it's very healing for me.

The irony of it is that we found out we were for sure expecting you on 10/04/11. We were over the moon to finally be pregnant. Fast forward to one year later, we are now members of "October Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Month."

I never would have imagined this to be true. We hurt for you to be here with us so much. You are always loved by us! Happy 10 month birthday in Heaven!
Our tiny dancer...
♥ CMR ♥

October - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

 

I sit here in my living room in complete peace and quiet with only the sound of the fan blowing on me and my puppies... I can't help but wish I could fast forward 8 weeks (or when Try finally decides to debut). I think of late night lullabies, sweet whispers, giggles and cooing noises, the list goes on and on at all the memories we will soon make! 

 

Then I think back to this day, one year ago... I had received a call from my OB confirming 100%, that we had a healthy pregnancy starting to form in my womb. If I could go back to this day in 2011, would I? Well, of course! I will always wish I could have saved Molli... But I praise God for my second chance, my "Try" again, and our unborn son on the way.

 

It's bittersweet now and with October being "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness" month, it is even heavier on my heart. I pray for those with empty cradles tonight, the ones lighting candles and singing that special lullaby to their baby/babies in the sky. I pray for the broken hearted that are just starting this long, difficult road that we have also traveled recently. May God bless them with their very own rainbow soon and heal their hearts, to learn to forgive, and most of all... to learn to "Try" again. Miracles happen!

Meet Tryton Roklin Ruebin...

I have talked about Molli for the past 39 weeks, publicly and without hesitation.  I have cried, pleaded, bragged, and smiled all while mentioning her name; but there is another person in my life that holds great importance just as our Molli does... his name is Try, and he's Molli's baby brother (due December 6, 2012). 

We found out we were pregnant with him on March 24, 2012 and then on May 30, 2012, found out that he is a he!  We named him 2 days afterwards and have been decking out his nursery with all kinds of goodies since! 



His "decked out" nursery!

His full name is Tryton Roklin Ruebin and today I am 31.3 weeks pregnant with him!  He is very active like his big sister once was and they share similar food cravings.  I can't wait to meet him but wanted to introduce his adorable, cherub-esque face to you guys for now!  Here's Try Try!



Tryton at 31 weeks!

39 Weeks Later



Molli at 15.2 weeks gestation!  She was such a wiggle worm during our very 1st 4D ultrasound!

 

It's been 39 weeks now. This has been one of the hardest weeks yet. Your nursery is no longer yours... Everything that was in there for you has been gently placed in a box and stored in baby brother's closet.

We left a corner of the nursery just for you... Your bunny from Nana sits there with your photographs, memorial figurines, and your "box." It still feels so new and somehow... wrong. :*( You should be here right now. We should be celebrating your 3 month birthday on earth but this was not to be.

Your baby brother is ready to arrive now. He's head down, Mommy's body is ready, and our doctors want one more week to pass before he makes that grand entrance. Please watch over him for us. He is going to need his big sister all his life.
...

We love and miss you, Molli. You are never forgotten.
♥ CMR ♥

38 Weeks Later

Molli at 10.4 weeks - Her precious foot left such a big print on our hearts!

It has been 38 weeks since my world came crumbling down around me. I couldn't breathe, everything was so surreal, and the pain was so strong that it numbed my senses. I remember being in such shock... Such pain! I can recall it all as if it were yesterday.

Mommy misses you more than anything in this world. I would give it all away just to have you back. Daddy misses you too. He hurts when thinking of his tiny dancer now dancing on those heavenly clouds.

Molli, you are loved always! You are our baby girl forever. One day we will finally hold you in our arms. ♥ CMR ♥

37 Weeks Later

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Crimsyn Molli Ruebin ... this is the month that we first got a positive pregnancy test and discovered we were officially pregnant with our baby girl.  We couldn't believe this miracle.  We had prayed for a baby for years (especially a bouncing baby girl).

Now it's been 37 weeks without my baby girl here with me and her Daddy. We miss you angel. We love you always. ♥ CMR ♥

36 Weeks Later

 

I will walk the steps you will never take here on earth, I will sing the lullabies you never had the chance to memorize, and I will listen to the sound of the rain on our window pane and wipe silent tears.

9 months, 36 weeks, what could this mean for me, for your Daddy, for your baby brother to be? We miss you, Molli. We will always love you and wish you had been given the chance to be here on earth with us.

The pain from losing a child is indescribable and unimaginable. It's one of the hardest things ever handed to me in this life and something I will never be able to "deal" with. It's a coping process and is based on how each individual day hits you.
...

Today I miss you, tomorrow the same, next week too, and the years to come will never soften the pain.
♥ CMR ♥

35 Weeks Later

Today Daddy and I have been going through your nursery and outfitting it for your baby brother's arrival. Daddy had to step out and wipe a few silent tears away... Mommy didn't know this until she happened upon him sitting there mourning you. Still 35 weeks later, our hearts are broken for you sweet angel. Mommy had her crying spell earlier today when she stumbled upon some of the hospital bills from the day they took you from me. It's hard and it never gets easier... we only become more numbed to it and eventually it just hurts too much to remember. We miss you so much, Molli. You are a thought in the corner of our minds, a piece missing from our hearts, and a deep breath we never seem capable of catching. Until a day... ♥ CMR ♥

34 Weeks Later

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34 weeks... We think of you every day! You're missed and deeply loved! ♥ CMR ♥

33 Weeks Later

Molli... it hurts Mommy and Daddy when we see baby girl stuff in stores. Zebra print just about brings us to tears everytime. It still hurts when I hear someone say their daughter is the light of their life. Mommy's not jealous or envious of those blessed with a daughter... that is just not how I roll, but instead I am just saddened and broken because I was never given the chance to know mine. I miss you with every breath I take, and my heart breaks when I remember our last moments with you. I lose my breath, it shortens and I can't catch it... I hurt for you so much.

I have poured out my heart to a screen for the past 33 weeks in hopes that it would help me to heal but I fear the worst... I fear that I will never be able to move on.

I have your baby brother to live for now and I thank God for him daily. He looks like his big sister and just this past week he gave us a little smile on his ultrasound scan. He loves music and dancing just like you and he gives Mommy the most awful heartburn JUST as you did too! LOL! I can't wait to meet him and tell him all about you! I look forward to holding him and never putting him down.

Mommy and Daddy miss you, baby girl. That will never change... but my tears for you have gotten harder to cry. It's time that I focus on your baby brother more now. He's trying to make an early debut just as you did but this time Mommy's new doctors caught it in time. Please know we will never forget you, Molli. You are our princess... forever. There is none like you, our tiny dancer. <3 CMR <3

Deja Vu

Tryton Roklin Ruebin at 24.6 weeks!

Baby girl, do I have a story for you! Your baby brother, Tryton, tried to compete with your scary entrance into the world just this past Tuesday. He gave us a good scare. Now Mommy is in the hospital for 4-8 weeks until it's safe for him to make that grand entrance he so desperately wants. I suppose I have diva/miva children?! LOL!

I love you both so much though and couldn't imagine my heart breaking again the way it did when you entered this world in January. Mommy thanks God that her new doctors listened and saved your baby brother's life. Now we just wait for October 11, 2012 and pray he gets here healthy and safe.

Please keep an extra eye out for him. I know you would love to play with him but we'd like to keep him down here with us. Mommy and Daddy love you sweet girl. You are deeply missed. ♥ CMR ♥

32 Weeks Later

I thought I would be stronger by now. I thought the pieces would be picked up and I could move on a little easier... I never imagined losing you ... and remembering how the events unfolded simply sends my heart into a frenzy of emotions. I miss you more than words could ever express. You are my daughter, my baby girl, and were sure to be Mommy's best friend. We miss you so much down here, Mall. Mommy and Daddy love you!

‎32 weeks, 8 months... A heavy heart, a million questions... Mommy sits here on her lunch break at work eating your baby brother's favorite food (Mac & Chz) while he squirms and kicks with obvious approval, and I can't help but to think of you. I can't begin to understand why but I do know I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. You are missed baby girl. Your memory will always remain and part of you will live on in your baby brother. I thank God for him. He looks so much like you already. Y'all would've been the very best of friends.

Mommy and Daddy miss you Mall Bear. We wish more than anything that you were here with us sleeping peacefully in your crib. I could watch you forever at that point, I'm sure of it. I would never leave your side... But now, you watch Mommy as she cries and you have never left my side. If only I could turn back time.

We love you to the moon and back, angel. You are a glimpse of sunshine in Heaven's skies. I'm sure you outshine them all! Goodnight baby girl.
♥ CMR ♥

31 Weeks Later

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31 weeks later and my heart is still so broken. I want you back every single day, I dream of how happy my life would have been had you stayed, and I long to cuddle you in my arms as you would almost be 2 months old by this point. How I've made it this far, I'll never know... The day our doctor told us "her heart isn't beating," Mommy and Daddy's heart stopped too! I know I'll never be the same and the love I have for my Molli will be as rare as a rose blooming in January! I will never be the same. You made us so happy in September yet left us in December... and to this day, Mommy and Daddy are still broken. We miss you Mall! You are so loved here on earth. Irreplaceable! ♥ CMR ♥

30 Weeks Later

Image Courtesy of www.themidnightorange.com

30 weeks have come and gone... Mommy doesn't like counting them anymore. It seems the more I count them, the further away my memories get. I want to always remember the joy, hope, and happiness you gave us! The tiny dancer on the u/s screen that made us giggle each time she would wiggle for her Mommy and Daddy, the heartbeat on the other side of the Doppler, and the flutters felt so often in my tummy! But I don't want to remember the hurt your leaving caused us... To this day I cry and grieve when thinking of the loss we had to suffer from losing you, our baby girl! We miss you always and will love you forever! Our tiny dancer in Heaven... Mommy and Daddy wish for you to be here with us every single day.
♥ CMR ♥

29 Weeks Later

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29 weeks and very little has changed. I will always miss you and forever love you. Daddy's baby girl, Mommy's tiny dancer, Heaven's most beautiful angel, and by far the brightest star in the sky tonight. My heart aches for the memories we will never make together and grieves for the brief memories that I do have here with me, that I reflect upon daily.

There is so much I want to say to you if only... Your baby brother is growing strong. He loves laying by "your favorite spot" in Mommy's tummy. He has become quite the ninja you were. I think you taught him some moves before Jesus sent him down to us. He looks a lot like you too. It makes Mommy so happy to have him here with us... Our Ohana will always be missing a beautiful baby girl complete with her Zebra MudPie outfit and pink bows... But her memory will always be kept alive by those who love her the most.

We love you angel! ♥ CMR ♥

28 Weeks Later

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28 weeks... Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. Daddy put your baby brother's bouncer seat together this past weekend and it reminded me of you with the prettiest zebra design. I thought your brother would like having it too since I know you would have. We love you baby girl. Wish you were here to know Baby Try! We wish we had been given the chance to know you too. Sleep well my angel. ♥

27 Weeks Later

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27 weeks later and I realize that our God only takes the best, baby girl. He has a tiny princess in the sky with him now. Even though we would rather have had you here with us... I'm allowed to be selfish! You are my first baby, my first daughter, and the reason I wanted to live again. When I lost you a part of me died... a part of me that I have yet to reclaim or revive. Perhaps I never will?

I grieve for you so and speak your name daily. I talk to your baby brother all the time about you and tell him how I wished he could have known you. Daddy hurts for you too, he just doesn't like to show it like I do.

Today is your day sweet angel... Mondays will forever be for my Molli. We had to say goodbye to you on a Monday morning and it has never been the same. Regrets, I have a few... Mistakes, I have many. Mommy misses you so much tiny dancer. I love you to the moon and back, until a day... ♥

26 Weeks Later

Mommy thinks about you with each passing day and not one of those days go by where I don't say your name. It's been 26 weeks and our hearts are still broken. I know there will never come a day where it's easier to talk about you, when it'll be easier to miss you, or when I can finally say "I've moved on." We miss you so much Mall bear! You are going to always be our baby girl and I will forever hurt for you... for those late night feedings, up all night crying spells, laughter filled memories that could have been made, and to watch you grow up into a young lady. I will always hurt for those moments missed and memories stolen. 26 weeks and it still doesn't get easier to say "there were photographs I wanted to take, things I wanted to show you, sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes. Who could love you like this?" Mommy and Daddy's angel... we will never forget you and we love you always. ♥

25 Weeks Later

Molli sucking her thumb at 15.2 weeks! (Credit: 4D Mommies)

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25 weeks later and we still talk about our Mall like she was in the other room sleeping! No, it has not gotten easier. No, we have not "moved on." We miss you everyday, sweet girl. You were the light in our lives and you made it such a wonderful world for those 4 months that we had you here. Mommy and Daddy miss you to the the moon and back! Daddy's baby girl and Mommy's tiny dancer always ... forever in our hearts. We love you Mall Bear! XOXO to Heaven! We can't wait to hold you one day... and even though I know very little about once you get to Heaven, I am so sure that we will be able to hold our angel!

24 Weeks Later

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24 weeks have passed us by so quickly. I never imagined I would be able to stand again after losing you yet here I am... We miss you and still cry for you daily. Today was hard on Mommy because we came to the milestone where we lost you but this time it is in our pregnancy with your baby brother. Mommy was so worried all day even though I know we are taking the medicine needed to keep your baby brother alive in Mommy. I would give everything I own to have known then what I know now. We would have stayed on our medicine with you too, to ensure your safe arrival. Mommy regrets stopping that medicine with you... every single day. Doctors do not know everything. They are trying to get Mommy to stop it with your baby brother but I refuse! It's the reason he is still here after all!

Molli, ...please forgive Mommy. I didn't intentionally fail you, my baby girl. I would have fought tooth and nail to save your life had I known! After 6 months, I still get angry at myself and my doctors. We could have had our dream, our first born, our daughter... here with us! They failed Mommy too. I trusted them.

We love you angel. We longed to hold you and couldn't wait for June 2012 then. Now it breaks my heart to see this month arrive... R.I.P. Mall. I wish I knew how to let you go but I know you are the only hope left in my soul. The hope that dreams do come true, even if they're not exactly how you had originally planned.

Goodnight Mall Bear! Mommy, Daddy, and your brothers love you so very much. We miss you more than words could ever express. Daddy's little girl and Mommy's tiny dancer! ♥

Happy Birthday Molli!

 

 

Crimsyn Molli Ruebin! EDD: 06/12/12 - Mommy's Crimlin and Daddy's baby girl! Our tiny dancer, our miracle, our answered prayer, and a dream come true. Today is your day baby girl! Nobody can rain on this parade. Happy Birthday Molli! You were due to arrive on earth today to me and your Daddy. You were our world then and we still think of you often now. We miss you baby girl. I hope they are having a big party for you up there in the sky. Tell Jesus to sing the chorus of your "Tiny Dancer" song to you for Mommy. I would do it had you arrived here in my arms this morning. "Hold me closer tiny dancer, you had a busy day today!" Happy Birthday baby girl. Today will be remembered by us forever and as each year passes, although you will remain an infant in my memories, I know you'l...l be another year older in reality. We wanted you for years, dreamed of you for the longest, and we were so uber excited about meeting you today. One day when we are in heaven, I hope to sing to you and hold you like I would have here on earth. I pray you know me and your Daddy and that we know you too. I pray we are allowed those moments back with you as you meet your siblings that grew up on earth missing you. You are the big sister! We love you to the moon and back over again and again. Mommy and Daddy hope to release balloons in your honor today as well as celebrate with your FAVORITE Gigi's cupcakes! Happy Birthday baby girl from Mommy, Daddy, lil' bro Tryton, big bro Sunny, and big bro Starbux. We will blow out this candle for you this time... You are never forgotten ♥

23 Weeks Later

It's been 23 weeks now... We would have been 39+ weeks and your due date is tomorrow! Today is very hard for your Mama. I am so broken. I miss you more than anything and would give everything I have to have you back here with me. We prayed for a baby girl, a daughter (after years of trying to conceive). When God answered our prayers with you, we knew you were meant to be even though it was so hard to believe... and then something horrible occured with Mommy's hormone levels, you were lost at 16.2 weeks, and it's been a downward spiral since your death. We miss you so much. It will never be the same. We love you more than we could love anyone... You will always be our first baby, our first daughter. We want you back but that's only because the denial is so strong. It just can't be that I'm pregnant again and with your baby brother at that. I don't understand God sometimes, I'm afraid I never will, but one day I hope to have your baby sister so that I can have a glimpse of what it would have been like to have you, a daughter, a best friend, a shopping buddy, Daddy's little girl, and a mini me! I pray every single day for that healing that will come from another baby girl filling our heart with renewed hope and love. Mommy and Daddy love you baby girl. You have such a special place in our heart... you will NEVER be forgotten. ♥ CMR ♥

22 Weeks Later

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22 weeks and Mommy still misses you! A lot of bad things happened this past weekend which is why Mommy wasn't able to visit you this past Monday. I know you saw it and you understand. I am sorry for missing our special day. I love you so much Molli. You'll always be my baby girl. You are my heart ♥ I'm sorry I failed you and I pray I don't fail your brother, Tryton... Mommy loves you both so much! I'm so blessed to have a daughter and a son! ♥

Meet Your Baby Brother...

^ Baby Tryton ^

We found out today that we are not having your sister after all but your brother instead.  Perhaps God will bless us with your sister one day soon but for now you have a baby brother named Tryton Roklin Ruebin.  I hope he likes us?!  We are so scared because we don't know anything about boys and always saw ourselves with a house full of little girls.  I pray that God knows exactly what he's doing as I close my eyes and trust in him...  Mommy misses you Mall!

21 Weeks Later

Hello baby girl. Mommy has always made every Monday dedicated to you. Yesterday was no exception. I have said everything I could and I have cried as much as I should. I miss you so much. I wish you were still here! We would be due in 2 weeks! You would have probably been here by now. The crib would have that mattress we never bought, my hospital bag would be packed, and I would be blissfully happy in being your Mommy! It's been 21 weeks since I said goodbye to a dream... A dream we had thought finally came true with every heartbeat your heart made. I died a little the day we lost you. Some say "you will heal and be whole again." These people have never lost a child. You are never whole again and there is always one "duckling" missing from your "row." Daddy and I will go on to have your brother and hopefully a sibling for him as well but you, our tiny dancer, will never be here to share your life with us. We will always long for the times missed with you!  Tryton already knows he has his sister as his guardian angel... I tell him everyday.
We all love you Mall! ♥ Mommy and Daddy miss you something awful! Never forgotten, always loved!

20 Weeks Later

Today has been all kinds of rough and upsetting for Mommy. I miss you so much! We would have been 9 months today... 36 weeks and 2 days to be exact. I wish I had you back more than I wish for anything else in this life. I don't ever see my heart healing 100%. I know I'll never be the same... It has been 20 weeks since we last saw you. These past 5 months have been so trying on me and your Daddy. We fight over missing you, we cry over missing you, and we look back on what ifs as we miss you. It's been so very difficult. I wouldn't wish the death of a child on any parent... not even my worst enemy. A baby is a baby regardless of when their time comes to an end. It wouldn't have mattered if we had carried you the full 40 weeks or whether we had to say goodbye just shy of 17 weeks...... you are our daughter, our baby, a beautiful child that God blessed us with. You are the miracle we prayed for for 5 long years. You are the promise that we are parents and I know that no matter what comes our way in the years to pass... we will always be parents by you, our Crimsyn Molli Ruebin. Mommy and Daddy miss you! I celebrate 12 weeks (3 months) of pregnancy with your baby brother today but at the same time I grieve for the 5 months I've missed out on life with you. Please understand and always know that you are never going to be replaced. Your brother will know about you and the hope you gave to Mommy and Daddy by just being here for those four brief months. The moments we have with you will last forever in our minds and will be told for years to come as bedtime stories to your baby siblings. They will know that they have a sister in heaven watching over them. Our precious angel gone too soon. We love you sweet baby! ♥

♥ Happy 5 month birthday in Heaven, Molli! We miss you ♥

19 Weeks Later

Another week has passed and quite possibly the hardest one since the week of your "baby shower." It was Mother's Day yesterday... As I sighed, smiled, and fought back tears I thought of today, the day to follow Mother's Day. It has now been 19 weeks since your heart stopped beating on this earth, since God decided by body no longer needed to carry you, and 19 weeks since I have felt as whole and complete as I now realize I will NEVER be able to feel again. It doesn't matter how many children I may go on to have, one will always be missing. One will never out grow her dresses, break her new toys, talk back to me and her Dad, nor will she ever ask me "Mom, am I making the right choice?" The skinned knees, tears shed, mistakes made, and advice I could have given... I will never be able to experience this with you. Molli, me and your Daddy love you more than you'll ever know. You are our heart song, always!

♥ Happy 19 week Birthday in Heaven Baby Girl! You are so loved and missed here on earth. ♥

18 Weeks Later

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18 weeks and I can't believe I'm still standing... by God's grace alone and your Daddy's emotional strength to help me along. We will never be the same no matter how much time may pass us by. I miss you with every beat of my heart and I know that nothing could ever bring you back. I carry your baby brother in my tummy, he's in the same spot that you fancied so well.  He likes some of the same foods as you also! It hurts Mommy's heart sometimes b/c I'm often reminded of you and I begin to panic on him.  It makes me cherish this pregnancy even more. Surely you understand? Every single day is a gift from God. You have shown us this and we treasure your memory so very much! We will love you always baby girl.
♥ Mommy & Daddy

Worth The Fall

Worth The Fall

As the wind blows the ashes away from the hole burned into my heart,

I realize the pain is just beginning to fade and that your memory was worth the fall. 

I would live it all over again for the joy that you gave me and your Dad. 

I regret not one prayer or thanks given to the Lord above for I know that it wasn't prayed in vain. 

God holds you while we can't and for that jealousy will always arise,

Yet I know you will always be our daughter... even as I wipe the tears from my eyes. 

"Hold me closer tiny dancer" as I sing and twirl in your nursery by your crib. 

I do it in honor of you and know you are watching as me and your baby "sister" dance. 

I love you Molli with such a pure, strong, motherly love. 

You are our daughter first and foremost, even if you are resting up above. ♥

17 Weeks Later

Molli at 10 weeks 4 days gestation!

For 17 weeks you have been in heaven while I remain broken down here on earth. Just because Mommy and Daddy are expecting again doesn't mean we have "moved on" or healed from losing you. We miss you everyday and we will always love you! Being pregnant again with your little brother is very hard on Mommy. I worry all the time because of what happened to my sweet Molli. I was so sure you were safe in Mommy's tummy but I was wrong. I trust in God and pray daily once again while rubbing a bump I can't wait to see grow! We miss you so much down here Molli. How I wish I was at my 34th week with you right now. ♥ Until a day, baby girl...

16 Weeks Later

It was so hard today to talk about you to a customer. I told her that your Mommy is due in December and that we pray for ANOTHER baby girl so that we can pass down all the beautiful clothes and toys of yours to her. Then that same customer asked "How far apart in age will they be?" I froze, stuttered, tears filled my eyes, and I looked down at my register... Too much to explain. I lifted my head and said, "They will be almost one year apart!" I didn't mention that you were in heaven and your sister is on her way here... I didn't tell of your passing or tragic ending here on earth... I failed to mention that you never had the chance to wear those beautiful clothes or play with your toys. I couldn't dare explain... I simply said "God has blessed us twice in one year. We had a beautiful baby girl in the first week of January and found out we were expecting again by the end of March." With a smile on my lips and a teardrop sitting still in my eye, I realized that it didn't matter how your story began or ended here on earth with us, it is the fact that we were blessed enough to be able to tell your story at all. You are our miracle of hope always. We love you so very much baby girl. 16 blessed, beautiful, and blissful weeks of carrying you and now 16 empty, sad, and heavy weeks without you... We miss you angel!

Happy 16 week Birthday in Heaven "Mall!" ♥

15 Weeks Later

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15 weeks come with the ache of a splinter that has been left under the skin just barely out of reach. 15 weeks have gone with the slow, dragging pain that is left behind from a heartbreak beyond imagination. I should be celebrating the new pregnancy of Baby C2 but I tend to look back and think of our original Baby C often. I miss her! I miss that special baby that showed her Mommy and Daddy that all things are possible when you put God first. That precious angel that gave new hope and meaning to a life that had lost so much purpose. Our baby girl that we held such love and blind faith for, that we never saw such a tragic ending coming. Mommy wipes tears while writing this and can't imagine life without you still. It doesn't seem real. We love you so much baby! There are no words for how we are left to feel now. You are forever our baby girl. ♥ Always, Mommy, Daddy, and Baby "C2." (Sunny and Starbux miss you too!)

Mommy and Daddy Have Great News!

We're expecting your brother on December 6, 2012!  I'm due in Dec. but our Dr. decided to schedule our delivery for 5 weeks sooner on Halloween (October 31, 2012).  We are so excited to meet him.  I just know he will look like you and I can't wait to hold him.

http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker80/FF00CC/66FF00/My%20pregnancy/12/06/2012.png

I Thought Of You Today

Mommy thought of you today and tears fell from my eyes. I talked about you to your Auntie Kit and she misses you too. You are so loved here on earth baby girl. There are some things that are never understood though. Mommy and Daddy are expecting a little sibling for you this fall and it breaks our hearts that he won't know you on earth. I just can't imagine why this had to happen to such loving people that would have been such good parents to you. You were such a blessing in our lives and now your baby brother is. I pray he makes it here safe and alive, healthy and happy! We can't take another heartache like the one left behind by your departure. It would be too much to bare for one lifetime. Please tell Jesus we love him and see the miracles he is working here in our lives. Ask him to send down some extra protection for this pregnancy, for Mommy, and for Baby Try.  We love you angel. ♥

14 Weeks Later

It's been 14 weeks now and my heart still hurts because you are not here with us. It never will be the same, never will another take your place, and the love we have for you will never fade. We miss you baby girl. There's a part of us that will remain incomplete and designated just for your memory. Thank you for giving us such joy and happiness for those 4 short months. You meant a new chapter in our lives, a new part to our world, and family makes three. Mommy and Daddy love you!

13 Weeks Later

I think you know what we know by now... Perhaps you even had a hand in it?  It has been 13 very difficult weeks for us and we still cry from time to time, but I have a feeling that these tears of ours will soon fade and turn into joy instead.  God has made beauty from ashes just as I have prayed.  Soon we will celebrate a new pregnancy and I claim it in Jesus' name!  I pray for your baby sister to join us here on earth soon.  I pray she resembles you so that I can have a glimpse of what my Molli would have looked like had she been able to stay here on earth with us.  We miss you so much.  You are always going to be here with us in our hearts, in spirit, and living through your siblings to come.  We will never forget you or stop talking to our baby girl.  We know you are here even though we can't see you.  Sadness is beautiful yet tragic at times...

Happy 13 weeks Birthday Angel!  <3