A Shower For Molli

^ The Rainbow ^

^ Your Ribbon ^

We had a wonderful celebration for you today!  This would have been the day of your baby shower and we would have been 30 weeks into our pregnancy together.  Instead, we (Me, Daddy, Aunt Kit, Aunt B, and Nana) went out to eat at Stix and then to see "Madea Gets A Job" at the BJCC here in Birmingham.  It rained ("showered") all day but stopped briefly as we were entering "Stix" to eat... and as I looked up, there you were... our rainbow in the sky.  It was beautiful and I immediately thought of you!  On top of that, our "hibachi" chef made a "Japanese Angel" out of the onion rings and it symbolized you as well.  Mommy made special hot pink zebra print ribbons with your birthstone (pearl) in the shape of a tear on them.  We all wore them for you baby girl.  We love you so much.  You are deeply missed always.

12 Weeks Later

I miss you so much that the walls feel like they're closing in on me at times. I keep thinking it'll get easier but it hasn't. It's been 12 weeks since your heart stopped beating here on earth and Mommy's heart is still in pieces. Every week that passes I have to catch my breath again. If love alone could have kept you here then you would have never left. We love you so much Mall. ♥

Good Morning Molli. Today marks 12 weeks since you've been gone yet we still cry for you. It's a struggle from day to day. We love you baby girl. You are missed! My prayer for your one year "birthday" is for us to be at a different point in life... Perhaps we will have your baby sister here with us and our grief will be a tad bit easier by then. It's a lovely thought. My heart breaks every passing week. I wanted you here with us. We all wanted you here! You will never be forgotten! ♥

Mommy and Daddy love you baby girl! Happy 12 week birthday in Heaven. We miss you so much. ♥

A Priceless Gift From Aunt Kit

Your Aunt Kit bought you your very first Christmas 2012 ornament for the tree while she was on her Spring Break Vacay in Tennessee!  It's so beautiful but I wish she didn't have to buy it... b/c it signifies you are in heaven this year instead of here with us.  We miss you angel.

XOXO - Mommy and Daddy

Was It You?

Was it you dancing in your nursery today? Did you knock Mommy's stuff off the dresser? It's ok if you did. I like to think I have you here still and I suppose that was your way... that single footprint imprinted on the carpet really stole my heart today as I crouched to my knees just to run my hand over it. Mommy never expected such an obvious sign that you are still here with us but once again, that's your way! You always have been our tiny dancer, and those tiny feet and toes of yours always stole our hearts when we would see them on the screen. I know you're still here. I just can't seem to let you go just yet. We love our baby girl. ♥

11 Weeks Later

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More than words could ever describe, you are loved, missed, and wanted. We looked forward to June 12th when you were kicking and dancing in my tummy. We couldn't wait to hold you, love you, kiss you, and give you the world. I can't believe it's already been 11 weeks without you here. I will never forget you or truly move on. You are our baby girl! Always! Do you remember Mommy and Daddy singing to you? We still do! I miss sharing our news of your arrival. Now I tell of your departure and the overwhelming support from others is unimaginable. You touched so many lives. A miracle six years in the making and with each week so many would praise God for you. You were anxiously anticipated and with every Dr. visit we were amazed at your movements on the screen. God knew you before you were for...med in my womb! He loves you so much! Somehow I think your purpose was to help Mommy and Daddy... There are times I like to think you were sent to restore our faith, prepare us for your sister, and to help us realize how precious life truly is... Maybe you helped others realize these things too in their own lives. You were a star on Facebook and visitors came to Mommy and Daddy's page just to watch your ultrasounds or take a guess at your gender. For whatever reason, they came to celebrate your life every week and we hope they will visit your diary now with these same intentions to celebrate your life. Although brief, you did exactly what you were meant to do. Life is precious, fragile, and treasured... Just as you are, Angel! Mommy and Daddy love our "Mall" Bear! You will always be our first born, our angel, our baby girl. That will never change. ♥ XOXO

Happy 11 week birthday Crimsyn Molli Ruebin!

11 weeks and 13 hours ago, Mommy's water broke and in that moment I knew you were gone from this earth. I screamed out loud in the phone to your Daddy "I'm losing her babe! She's gone," while sobbing heavily. Daddy drove as fast as he could to get to us! He was so scared and heartbroken at the events that followed... A missed miscarriage is what the Drs called it, but it was life altering for me, Daddy, and your family. I wish we could go back and rewrite the future. I wish I could celebrate today as my third trimester instead of grieving over the loss of our baby girl. We all miss you Molli. You are deeply loved! Happy 11 weeks to you sweet girl even though it's not so happy for us down here. I trust that God can make beauty from ashes! He is a BIG God! ♥ CMR ♥

Hello Mommy and Daddy ... It's Me, Molli

Hello Mommy and Daddy (It's Me, Molli)

Hello Mommy and Daddy

I'm playing with angels here

I know you can't see me

But you can feel me near

I wish I could dry your eyes

I just don't understand

The pain you feel inside

I simply can't comprehend

You see I'm just a baby

And Jesus I've already met

I miss my Mommy and Daddy

They miss me too, I bet

Mommy please be strong

Don't cry so much for me

I'll always wish I had felt your embrace

And had been given the chance to know my Daddy

I watch you from up here

I fell down while learning to walk

Jesus picked me back up

And I've since learned how to talk

If you saw what I can do

You would be so proud of me

I think I'm a star up here Daddy

I wish you could see me dancing

I hear you when you speak to me Mommy

I stand beside you as you wipe tears

I don't understand why you cry so

I've always been right here

I am but just a little girl

My footprints measure

So small

In the sand on heaven's shores

You should see the crystal seas

I walk beside

And how Jesus plays hide and seek with me

He always finds me no matter where I hide

Jesus always has his eyes on you too

He often points you both out to me

And though I can't be there with you and Dad

One day he says this is where your home will be

Crimsyn Molli is my given name

Your love I can feel where I am now

Please know the short time you carried me on earth

Although brief, it was all I needed somehow

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

Tiny Dancer At Rest

Tiny Dancer At Rest

My fists hit the wall

I scream out in pain

You would think I was missing

A part of me, lost in vain

 

 

The anger runs deep

The bitterness flows

I can't seem to think

Memories beckon to me so

 

 

I dream not of what was

I often imagine what could of been

I grind my teeth, distraught

Will you come back to me again?

 

 

The emptiness I feel

Over yet over I fall

I hear your tiny cry

Echoing in these walls

 

 

I walk past the doorway

Where you would have played

I see the nursery empty

I am haunted by that day

 

 

I had to wipe away the tears

Again yet again I sob

I revisit all of my fears

The moments that were robbed

 

 

I refuse to let you die

Your memory forever stays

Years from now I'll look back

And still remember that day

 

 

Goodnight our baby girl

Dance upon the skies

Please know that when we miss you

There will be tears that fall from our eyes

 

 

You are loved so much

You're our tiny dancer at best

If only given just one touch

Perhaps I could have then allowed you rest

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

10 Weeks Later

You See (A Grieving Mother)

I am a grieving Mother

There’s a side of me you don’t know

I had a perfect daughter

The pain inside me never shows

 

 

I try not to let you see

I keep it all inside

I locked away my dreams

I leave them there to hide

 

 

I held a baby girl

Not in my arms, you see

She was growing inside

She was but a part of me

 

 

I prayed every night

My faith overflowed

I dreamed of who she would look like

And when she was older, where she would go

 

 

You don’t see me crying

You can’t hear my screams

You see, when I close the door

I have my own private, bittersweet release

 

 

If you knew the pain I felt

I feel you would treat me differently

If you knew how fragile, how I broke when I fell

Then perhaps my feelings would be more often asked of me

 

 

I realize it’s a lot for you to absorb

So much pain, grief, and disappointment

There’s too much for you to comprehend

If only you knew how she was so important

 

 

I never told you how I still talk to her

You see, I failed to mention

Afraid of the odd stares I would receive

If only you would listen

 

 

I am a grieving Mother

My daughter has been gone for 10 weeks

It’s still so new to me too

That’s why tears continue to seep

 

 

Sometimes it’s awfully awkward

I don’t always know what to say

You see, I’m a grieving Mother for now

But I will have another baby girl one day!

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

9 Weeks Later

Goodnight Baby Girl! I know you're resting on the clouds and wondering why 9 weeks hasn't passed with more ease for us down here... but please know that you are so deeply loved, missed, and adored. For 16.2 weeks I held an angel, felt an angel, and sang to an angel. Someone so dear and precious that she left her footprints on this earth in the hearts of the ones who loved her most. My twinkle toes dancing on the stars above. You were too beautiful for earth...

My heart feels heavy at times when I think of you.  Your memory makes it harder to breathe.  I miss having you here in my tummy so that I can glance down, talk to you, sing a song, and touch my hand to my stomach knowing that you are safe and sound.  You are forever missed, never forgotten.

Understanding

I just haven't been able to understand. I've prayed, stepped back to look at the bigger picture, prayed some more, asked for peace, and fallen flat on my face in tears. I will never understand why you didn't get to live your life. It was not God's plan for you to die so soon. I know this in my heart! I've talked it over with God several times and the same simple yet most meaningful answer comes back to my heart... "I am with you."

God has wrapped our Molli in his arms, looked down at us here on earth, and hurts as I hurt... from the pain I have found in the loss of our daughter's life. He doesn't want us to grieve, suffer, or die. This was never his way! I realize this more than ever now! 

8 Weeks Later

Tonight I think of how my body is telling me we're ready to try again yet my heart says I'm not.  Is it supposed to hurt so much 8 weeks post miscarriage?  My thoughts are scattered, I can't focus, it's hard to be excited for others, difficult to be social, and hard to relate to a Husband who was her Daddy and just as much her parent as I was.  I resent my guilt, hate, and anger.  I smile and put on a pretty convincing facade to others but inside I am torn apart, worn down, and downright bitter.  Our daughter's name represents the feelings I have after her death and we didn't plan it that way when we chose her name.  We actually named her 3 weeks before we found out her heart had stopped beating at just 16.2 weeks gestation.  We had her nursery ready, toys, clothes, and picture frames anticipating our first photo holding her that would have been taken in June 2012.  Now her ultrasound photo sits in that frame because we'll never have a photo of her outside of my body that we can place in that frame.

Crimsyn Molli was conceived on September 24, 2011 and left us on December 31, 2011.  I had a D&C on January 2, 2012 after my water broke.  We found out she had actually passed away two days before (by measurements on the ultrasound).  She would never say "I love you Mommy and Daddy."  She would never take her first steps, play with her toys, or harass the two puppy dogs we call our children as well.  She will never beg to go out on a date or ask her Daddy to walk her down the aisle.  These moments were stolen from us... and from our family.

Crimsyn - "Deep Red" (The strong passion and pain we have felt since she has left)
Molli - "Sea of Bitterness" (The sea of tears and bitter feeling left behind from her passing)

We will always love you Molli.  You are so deeply missed.

BLOG POST:
It's been 8 weeks today since Mommy and Daddy realized we wouldn't be taking you home with us in June after all. It hasn't gotten much easier either. We miss you so much. I can never replace my Crimsyn Molli. There will never be a moment that you are forgotten, not even for a second. We love you Angel Bug! You are so very dear and special to us. I know you're up there looking down on us while we wipe tears from our eyes, and you don't understand the pain we feel because you are in such a wonderful place where you feel no pain. I am glad you are safe up there even though I wish I could have had the chance to protect you here on earth. Happy Birthday! It's been 8 weeks since you earned your wings... ♥ Love, Mommy and Daddy