I Never Imagined

I never imagined that even after fighting to make a dream come true through years of heartache and tears, that Satan would be allowed to come along and rip it away! That blessing I held for those 16.2 short weeks was the main reason I breathed again. My source of happiness was stolen from me. Memories? Nothing will ever compare to the way I felt when she was here! Mommy misses you Crimsyn Molli! You are Mommy's diva, Daddy's tiny dancer, our June bug... Always! ♥

Today Mommy's tummy has been hurting where you normally were. You always curled up on my left side directly to the side of my navel. Mommy went to the Dr. because I've been having these "sympathy" pains for the past few days now but our Dr. assured me that there is nothing there after doing extensive ultrasounds and tests. He couldn't explain these pains but Mommy knows why I'm having them. Lately I've missed you more than usual. I know your baby shower was planned for next month and that has been heavy on my heart. I just miss you baby girl. I pray that your sister will soon be in that spot that you clung to so sweetly. I pray that she gets here soon and makes it all the way with the same strong health that you had. You were such a fighter! Also, I pray that my body is free from ailments while carrying her the entire pregnancy and that we have a complication free delivery! God knows our hearts and hears our prayers. He is a wonderful God! Goodnight Angel! We love you Molli.

7 Weeks Later

Goodnight my angel... 7 weeks has gone by so slow even though it seems like just yesterday when I was telling your Daddy of the "butterflies" you were playing with in my tummy. I miss those tiny nudges and flutters. We've made it 7 weeks through grief and heartache so far. I know even in 7 years there will be the same emptiness knowing we have a beautiful daughter in heaven that can't be here with us. We will always miss you sweet baby. ♥

I miss you even more today than yesterday. I wish I had you here still! Tomorrow we would have been 24 weeks gestation together. We would be silly by shopping for your shower that was planned for next month. We would be dreaming of hair bows, ribbons, dresses, sugar, spice, and everything nice. Instead, it will be 7 weeks tomorrow since we had to blow a kiss to an ultrasound screen and say we now have an angel for a daughter. It will be 7 weeks since my world was thrown of it's axis yet everyone around me were able to move on. It will never be the same, it won't get easier to breathe, and the dreams we had for you will never come to pass. I love you Molli. Daddy loves you Molli. Nana and Aunt Kit love their Molli. You are so terribly missed. I pray for peace daily but none has come for me yet. I hope for a new beginning and trust that God will restore. He is a peace speaker, a heart mender, and a soul keeper. He is a BIG God! ♥ Perhaps he has another blessing in pink for us. Perhaps it's you... Getting a second chance with the parents who hurt for your baby laugh, sparkling eyes, and soft baby skin everyday. We ♥ our baby girl!

Tiny Box

Sitting upon a dresser

A small, tiny box

Contents are delicate

Memories and thoughts

I glanced at it with pride

My baby girl inside

I look at it and reason I try

While wiping tears from my eyes

The time it goes so slow

Yet steady and fast it seems

The dreams we had are fleeting

They ripped at the seams

I lost a piece of my heart

In that box upon the dresser

I left a part of me

My touch can never caress her

I longed for that box

So to have a physical grasp

I never would have thought

I would talk to a tiny box

Mommy and Daddy love you

More than the sun or air

With this tiny box around

We'll always have you near

I hold to it tonight

So tight...

That tiny box was worth the fight

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

A Conversation With God

I felt the blood rush to my face

Is this how bittersweet tastes?

I lost my vision, it starts to blur

I wonder how I've come this far...

I shake it off as once before

Never have I lost someone I adore

I hold the hand of the man I love

She is his daughter sent from above

I know our pain is so familiar yet unfair

I know the refrain of guilt lingers there

I can never hold my baby girl to me

She ceases to move, never beginning to breathe

How do you replace such a fragile life?

The hurt so strong and heavy in strife

What could I have done that others had failed?

I get on my knees, "God help me!"

I knelt...

Wiping away the tears from another day of grief

God turns and says "I am here for you. I bring you relief."

I ask, "But how could you deny me such a beautiful gift?

Why didn't you protect her as she began to wilt?"

He replies, "My child you have it all wrong.

I would never take her from you... She is your heart song!

I continue to give all life free will.

I allow you to your choices and that's always been our deal."

So as I go back to the guilt in my soul

I can't help but wonder...

Would that be a reasonable role?

Had I demanded someone to listen,

Had I refused to be denied...

Would it have helped erase these tears from my eyes?

I stand here again at square one

Nothing can be repaired or undone

I watch her fly on wings of angels as she blows me a kiss

I thank God for miracles even in all the moments missed...

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

Why You Had To Leave

Mommy found out why we lost you back in December and it didn't put my heart at ease as I had hoped. It made Mommy grieve even more actually... I wish I had known you needed saving. I tried telling the Drs that I didn't feel healthy and that I was having unusual symptoms but they wouldn't listen to Mommy. I am devastated that I lost you... Knowing you fought for 16+ weeks against this infection that Mommy's uterus had when the Dr. said you shouldn't have made it out of the 1st trimester with it, makes me realize just how strong of a fighter my baby girl was and is! You wanted to be here, didn't you baby? You fought so hard and still lost... I wish I had known you were fighting something like this. Mommy would have never let you fade away. I am so sorry angel. Mommy loves you so much. ♥

I've Needed You

I really have needed you lately. Mommy sees so many people celebrating their babies that have arrived or are on their way to arrive and it grieves my heart to know that you will never be here with me. I looked forward to holding you, singing to you, reading you stories, kissing you goodnight, taking you places, shopping with you, and wiping away your tears. I had all of those moments taken from me and I hurt in my heart knowing I'll never get them back. I love you so much.  Mommy misses you more than I could ever explain. ♥ I love you Crimsyn Molli. You will always be our baby girl.

5 Weeks Later

‎5 weeks ago my life was forever changed and it has left such a deep scar on my heart that still hurts in times of your memory. We named you Baby "C" from day 1 because we didn't know whether you would be our baby girl or not. When we found out that you were in fact a girl it was all we could do to keep our excitement in check. We immediately announced your gender even though we had promised not to tell until Christmas Day. (Mommy laughs at this now) We announced your name the very next day after revealing your gender to our friends and family. ♥ Crimsyn Molli ♥ Crimsyn was a name Mommy had heard and fell in love with. It was beautiful, different, and demanded attention... just as you! "Molli" was after me because my middle name is Marie and another form of Marie is Mary and/or Molly. We chose to spell it a bit differently because I wanted a more modern spin on the name since you were going to be such a diva after all. And so you were.... Crimsyn Molli Ruebin, our baby girl.

5 weeks ago I had the worst day of my life when around 9:45 a.m. Mommy's water broke. As Daddy rushed us to the hospital (silent prayers were going up the entire drive to the hospital) they informed Mommy that you still had plenty of fluid around you as they did the ultrasound. They measured you and you were coming in a few days short of what you should have measured... then they searched for your heartbeat........... and searched again as I begged them to find that beautiful sound so I could find peace within... The Dr. then turned to Mommy and Daddy to say "there is no heartbeat for her." The very breath I breathed had been knocked right out of me. Then to know that you had passed away just days earlier and Mommy didn't even notice??? I was puzzled. I had been so sick that weekend, running a low grade temp, stuffy headed, sneezy, and just feeling awful... Had I ignored your warnings to me that you were sick and needed attention? Is there something I could have done at that point to reverse these past 5 weeks of heartache?

Mommy questions it all the time but I know that it was not something I did wrong or could have prevented at that short of notice. I put my trust in a doctor that told me I was fine and treated me as an overly dramatic first time Mom. He didn't want to check my blood levels, do a physical exam, or even an ultrasound when I showed concern at 15 weeks... Mommy regrets only that I trusted a Dr. instead of my instincts.

Happy 5 week old birthday baby girl. You were born sleeping into Jesus' arms... For your birthday you had the most beautiful gift given to you that Mommy and Daddy could have never given you and that's to see heaven's beautiful sights, have Jesus' cradle you in his arms, and listen as the angels sing you the lullabies that we longed to sing to you. Although we will miss you and wonder how we can keep keeping on down here, I know you are safe where you are. We love you angel. We miss you so very much.

While At Work Today

While at work earlier today I thought about you when I had to tell our story to three different people. As I spoke those words... "She passed away last month," my heart sunk everytime. It never gets easier to say that you are not in Mommy's tummy growing strong. I miss you so much baby girl. I know I'd be 21 weeks right now if my doctor had done a better job of monitoring me. We would be happy still and preparing zebra print and pink for our sweet girl's arrival... but instead there are tears, silent grieving, and fake smiles that decorate my life for now. We plan to start back on our path to being parents this month but our next baby will never take the place of you, our angel in heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you "Mall." ♥

Just A Visit

Hey baby girl! Mommy wanted to visit you tonight to tell you I miss you still. I bet your halo is radiant and rhinestone encrusted! I am sure your wings are covered in glitter and shine brighter than the sun. Mommy and Daddy can't wait to get up there and see you. I can't wait to hold our precious angel. You are always our child but you have always been God's child first. Tell him that Mommy said thank you for giving us such a blessing for 16+ weeks. We've never been happier... We love you angel. ♥ Goodnight...