5 weeks ago my life was forever changed and it has left such a deep scar on my heart that still hurts in times of your memory. We named you Baby "C" from day 1 because we didn't know whether you would be our baby girl or not. When we found out that you were in fact a girl it was all we could do to keep our excitement in check. We immediately announced your gender even though we had promised not to tell until Christmas Day. (Mommy laughs at this now) We announced your name the very next day after revealing your gender to our friends and family. ♥ Crimsyn Molli ♥ Crimsyn was a name Mommy had heard and fell in love with. It was beautiful, different, and demanded attention... just as you! "Molli" was after me because my middle name is Marie and another form of Marie is Mary and/or Molly. We chose to spell it a bit differently because I wanted a more modern spin on the name since you were going to be such a diva after all. And so you were.... Crimsyn Molli Ruebin, our baby girl.
5 weeks ago I had the worst day of my life when around 9:45 a.m. Mommy's water broke. As Daddy rushed us to the hospital (silent prayers were going up the entire drive to the hospital) they informed Mommy that you still had plenty of fluid around you as they did the ultrasound. They measured you and you were coming in a few days short of what you should have measured... then they searched for your heartbeat........... and searched again as I begged them to find that beautiful sound so I could find peace within... The Dr. then turned to Mommy and Daddy to say "there is no heartbeat for her." The very breath I breathed had been knocked right out of me. Then to know that you had passed away just days earlier and Mommy didn't even notice??? I was puzzled. I had been so sick that weekend, running a low grade temp, stuffy headed, sneezy, and just feeling awful... Had I ignored your warnings to me that you were sick and needed attention? Is there something I could have done at that point to reverse these past 5 weeks of heartache?
Mommy questions it all the time but I know that it was not something I did wrong or could have prevented at that short of notice. I put my trust in a doctor that told me I was fine and treated me as an overly dramatic first time Mom. He didn't want to check my blood levels, do a physical exam, or even an ultrasound when I showed concern at 15 weeks... Mommy regrets only that I trusted a Dr. instead of my instincts.
Happy 5 week old birthday baby girl. You were born sleeping into Jesus' arms... For your birthday you had the most beautiful gift given to you that Mommy and Daddy could have never given you and that's to see heaven's beautiful sights, have Jesus' cradle you in his arms, and listen as the angels sing you the lullabies that we longed to sing to you. Although we will miss you and wonder how we can keep keeping on down here, I know you are safe where you are. We love you angel. We miss you so very much.
5 weeks ago I had the worst day of my life when around 9:45 a.m. Mommy's water broke. As Daddy rushed us to the hospital (silent prayers were going up the entire drive to the hospital) they informed Mommy that you still had plenty of fluid around you as they did the ultrasound. They measured you and you were coming in a few days short of what you should have measured... then they searched for your heartbeat........... and searched again as I begged them to find that beautiful sound so I could find peace within... The Dr. then turned to Mommy and Daddy to say "there is no heartbeat for her." The very breath I breathed had been knocked right out of me. Then to know that you had passed away just days earlier and Mommy didn't even notice??? I was puzzled. I had been so sick that weekend, running a low grade temp, stuffy headed, sneezy, and just feeling awful... Had I ignored your warnings to me that you were sick and needed attention? Is there something I could have done at that point to reverse these past 5 weeks of heartache?
Mommy questions it all the time but I know that it was not something I did wrong or could have prevented at that short of notice. I put my trust in a doctor that told me I was fine and treated me as an overly dramatic first time Mom. He didn't want to check my blood levels, do a physical exam, or even an ultrasound when I showed concern at 15 weeks... Mommy regrets only that I trusted a Dr. instead of my instincts.
Happy 5 week old birthday baby girl. You were born sleeping into Jesus' arms... For your birthday you had the most beautiful gift given to you that Mommy and Daddy could have never given you and that's to see heaven's beautiful sights, have Jesus' cradle you in his arms, and listen as the angels sing you the lullabies that we longed to sing to you. Although we will miss you and wonder how we can keep keeping on down here, I know you are safe where you are. We love you angel. We miss you so very much.
No comments:
Post a Comment