I Saw You

 

Mommy saw you tonight. It must have been you?! Playing with baby brother's bassinet, peering at me from an angle, big smile and two bottom teethies exposed. It was you!

How I love seeing you in the glances, reflections, and shadows; however there are times I wish I didn't see you so not to be reminded of what I'm missing, the baby girl I carried for four brief months, my Molli.

Some may think that I'm imagining your visits because of the amount of grief I now carry, but I know angels are among us. You are my angel. I love you so.
...
Goodnight, Mall bear.
♥ CMR ♥

59 Weeks Later

 

Good Morning, baby girl. Your brother has been asleep for over an hour now and yet I lay here wiping tears. I realize how you have only been gone 13 months, but it seems that your Mommy may never heal. I know you see me crying for you and I'm sorry I'm not stronger. I try to do my best for your baby brother. Even on days where I'm feeling more down than usual, I'll put on a smile for him. He needs me to be his Mommy too.

I love him so much, Molli. I know you see this and I hope you understand. I would have given anything to love you this way, to take you places, buy you things, dress you up in your favorite outfit, sing to you, and tell you how much I love you. I hope you understand...

All the excuses people say to convince me or justify that your loss was God's will... they are only ...trying to help but they don't realize how they are hurting me instead. God didn't need another angel, it wasn't better this way, you were perfectly healthy, and you were meant to be my daughter.

I have heard people in the baby loss community say they would do it all over again if given the chance, but I don't know if I would. Honestly, I would rather spare myself this hurt, guilt, and pain. I would rather have protected you from the struggle you had to give while fighting for your life. I would have rather never seen that stick with those double pink lines on the morning of October 4, 2011. But then, I would be erasing the happiest 4 months of my life. I was finally pregnant. I was having a girl!!! The girl we prayed countless nights for! My dreams were all coming true and were now being placed in you. I could never erase you.

Molli, I'm hurting more than usual lately and I know you know why. Tell God that I don't blame him. I never will. He is a merciful God that only has plans to give us hope and help us prosper. I know he has many blessings in store for me still.

Mommy must go now. Your baby brother's naps are short lately and I need a few Zzz's of my own. I love you so much, Molli! You will forever be our tiny dancer.

♥ CMR ♥

Week 59

So Strong?

 

So Strong

They say I'm strong
Never bending in the wind
They couldn't be more wrong
... Tears hidden again and again

I'm fragile and I'm broken
There's a story there to tell
Always left praying and hoping
Fearing I'll ultimately fail

The woman I was back then
She's so different nowadays
Her life had only started to begin
Heartache etched into every page

So strong, I am not
I count every breath
Her Mother cries a lot
Lean on me but please don't press

I could shatter at any moment
At the mention of her name
Lingering in the silence, I wince
Remembering the silhouette of her face

Some days, I'm ok
Others, I barely get by
"She's so strong," they say
Imagine, my broken lullaby

By: Ashley Ruebin

Happy Valentine's Day, Molli!

Happy Valentine's Day in Heaven, baby girl. We love you and will be thinking of you. I hope there are heart decorations, sweet treats, and beautiful bouquets of flowers up there for you. Mommy would have made this a wonderful day for you if you were here... I celebrate the day with your Daddy and baby brother now though. ♥
We all love you, angel.

Happy Valentine's Day, Molli!

There are broken hearts
Down below you today
If you followed the path
... You'd see they stop where you lay

Did you get a balloon?
Chocolates or a card?
I tried sending them to you
You're so far, it was too hard

Lord, I do request one thing
Please give my baby girl a kiss for me
Whisper in her ear a happy valentine's day
Tell her even though she's not here
I think of her and also say...

There's a broken heart
Her Mommy's missing her so
I've wished her back to me
But too soon, she had to go

Happy Valentine's Day...
My beautiful, precious baby girl
Up in Heaven you must stay and wait
Never forget...
You and your brother are my whole world!

♥ Molli ♥
By: Ashley Ruebin

57 Weeks Later

57 weeks later...
For the first time in almost a year, I pulled out the medical documents from the day you were taken from us. Looking over those harsh, empty words: fetal demise, breaks my heart. It is still so surreal. I miss you, always.

♥ CMR ♥

My 1st, Forever Child...

 

My First, Forever Child

Is he your first?
They stop to ask
I reply with a solemn "No."
... They stand and gasp

As I tell them of this little girl
She stole my heart
She was my whole world
Now she's gone, so far

I tell them I have a daughter
And right I am when I say
My daughter is in Heaven
Then I begin to speak her name

It must be taboo...
As I pull out a photo of her last ultrasound
Then follow with a photo of her single foot
Suddenly the conversation holds no sound

You see, this is my daughter
She was the one to pave the way
Even though she had to leave us
Even though she couldn't stay

She sent down her baby brother
For us to love and to spoil
She knew we had so much to give
Held so much love and more

My daughter will always be
My first, forever child
I adore her baby brother
And he is so proud

He has an angel among him
A guardian, big sister to Try
He knows how much we love him
And how important it is to celebrate her life

Next time you see me out with my miracle, my son
You'll coo and you'll adore his beautiful smile
Please remember I will always be missing one
My daughter, my first, forever child

By: Ashley Ruebin (For Molli)

56 Weeks Later

56 weeks and you'd think I would have stopped counting? Never. I'll never forget you. I carried you, felt each hiccup and kick, heard your heartbeat time after time, and dreamed of who you would be one day.... I remember you and hold to your footprints given to me by the hospital staff (the only decent thing they did offer me from you).

My tiny dancer, dancing on stars and clouds way up above... Mommy misses you more and more with each passing day. You would be coming up on 8 months old had you shared your life with us but I understand that God had bigger plans for you.

Mommy loves you, Molli.
♥ CMR ♥