21 Weeks Later

Hello baby girl. Mommy has always made every Monday dedicated to you. Yesterday was no exception. I have said everything I could and I have cried as much as I should. I miss you so much. I wish you were still here! We would be due in 2 weeks! You would have probably been here by now. The crib would have that mattress we never bought, my hospital bag would be packed, and I would be blissfully happy in being your Mommy! It's been 21 weeks since I said goodbye to a dream... A dream we had thought finally came true with every heartbeat your heart made. I died a little the day we lost you. Some say "you will heal and be whole again." These people have never lost a child. You are never whole again and there is always one "duckling" missing from your "row." Daddy and I will go on to have your brother and hopefully a sibling for him as well but you, our tiny dancer, will never be here to share your life with us. We will always long for the times missed with you!  Tryton already knows he has his sister as his guardian angel... I tell him everyday.
We all love you Mall! ♥ Mommy and Daddy miss you something awful! Never forgotten, always loved!

20 Weeks Later

Today has been all kinds of rough and upsetting for Mommy. I miss you so much! We would have been 9 months today... 36 weeks and 2 days to be exact. I wish I had you back more than I wish for anything else in this life. I don't ever see my heart healing 100%. I know I'll never be the same... It has been 20 weeks since we last saw you. These past 5 months have been so trying on me and your Daddy. We fight over missing you, we cry over missing you, and we look back on what ifs as we miss you. It's been so very difficult. I wouldn't wish the death of a child on any parent... not even my worst enemy. A baby is a baby regardless of when their time comes to an end. It wouldn't have mattered if we had carried you the full 40 weeks or whether we had to say goodbye just shy of 17 weeks...... you are our daughter, our baby, a beautiful child that God blessed us with. You are the miracle we prayed for for 5 long years. You are the promise that we are parents and I know that no matter what comes our way in the years to pass... we will always be parents by you, our Crimsyn Molli Ruebin. Mommy and Daddy miss you! I celebrate 12 weeks (3 months) of pregnancy with your baby brother today but at the same time I grieve for the 5 months I've missed out on life with you. Please understand and always know that you are never going to be replaced. Your brother will know about you and the hope you gave to Mommy and Daddy by just being here for those four brief months. The moments we have with you will last forever in our minds and will be told for years to come as bedtime stories to your baby siblings. They will know that they have a sister in heaven watching over them. Our precious angel gone too soon. We love you sweet baby! ♥

♥ Happy 5 month birthday in Heaven, Molli! We miss you ♥

19 Weeks Later

Another week has passed and quite possibly the hardest one since the week of your "baby shower." It was Mother's Day yesterday... As I sighed, smiled, and fought back tears I thought of today, the day to follow Mother's Day. It has now been 19 weeks since your heart stopped beating on this earth, since God decided by body no longer needed to carry you, and 19 weeks since I have felt as whole and complete as I now realize I will NEVER be able to feel again. It doesn't matter how many children I may go on to have, one will always be missing. One will never out grow her dresses, break her new toys, talk back to me and her Dad, nor will she ever ask me "Mom, am I making the right choice?" The skinned knees, tears shed, mistakes made, and advice I could have given... I will never be able to experience this with you. Molli, me and your Daddy love you more than you'll ever know. You are our heart song, always!

♥ Happy 19 week Birthday in Heaven Baby Girl! You are so loved and missed here on earth. ♥

18 Weeks Later

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18 weeks and I can't believe I'm still standing... by God's grace alone and your Daddy's emotional strength to help me along. We will never be the same no matter how much time may pass us by. I miss you with every beat of my heart and I know that nothing could ever bring you back. I carry your baby brother in my tummy, he's in the same spot that you fancied so well.  He likes some of the same foods as you also! It hurts Mommy's heart sometimes b/c I'm often reminded of you and I begin to panic on him.  It makes me cherish this pregnancy even more. Surely you understand? Every single day is a gift from God. You have shown us this and we treasure your memory so very much! We will love you always baby girl.
♥ Mommy & Daddy

Worth The Fall

Worth The Fall

As the wind blows the ashes away from the hole burned into my heart,

I realize the pain is just beginning to fade and that your memory was worth the fall. 

I would live it all over again for the joy that you gave me and your Dad. 

I regret not one prayer or thanks given to the Lord above for I know that it wasn't prayed in vain. 

God holds you while we can't and for that jealousy will always arise,

Yet I know you will always be our daughter... even as I wipe the tears from my eyes. 

"Hold me closer tiny dancer" as I sing and twirl in your nursery by your crib. 

I do it in honor of you and know you are watching as me and your baby "sister" dance. 

I love you Molli with such a pure, strong, motherly love. 

You are our daughter first and foremost, even if you are resting up above. ♥