4 Weeks Later

What could I say that I haven't already said a hundred times already? If only I could have you back here with me... and for your Daddy to be able to hold his baby girl and know that he would protect her for all her years to come. To know that I would have prepared her for her own fair share of heartaches while she was growing up. Making sure to warn her of how insecure life really is and how accidents happen, mistakes can't always be erased, and my love will never change regardless of either one that may arise in her life. To hold her and tell her that life is too short and to never take one day for granted... even when Mommy and Daddy disappoint her or make her mad, that she'd better huff and puff with a smile knowing that we did it out of love! ♥ I know I those moments were stolen from me here on earth but when I get where I'm going... I will make it all known to you sweet girl.

Your Daddy is every bit your Daddy and Mommy was in no way perfect at times... But we loved you with every single ounce of adoration that we ever knew how to hold in our hearts. We had no idea our time with you would be so brief, but we didn't take one minute for granted.... everywhere we went we were sure to show you off, talk about you to everyone and anyone who'd listen, took photos of you every week (even a 4D at 16 weeks), documented every flutter or bubble in my pregnancy journal, and sang to you daily so to prepare you to be my lil' Diva! LOL! We soaked you up and were always so happy because you were here with us.

You see, my baby Molli, even Daddy had gotten to where he would hold my belly so to say "hi" to you... Did you know he would kiss you and sing to you too? He had gotten to where he would text me and ask Mommy "How's my girls?" And some days, he would drive all the way to Mommy just to bring her lunch for you. He had so much love in his heart for you that he never knew he could love someone he had never met as much as he already loved your Mommy. You know how much I love you because I tell you so terribly often, but I wanted you to know just how much you are loved by the Daddy here on earth that was left behind. He didn't get to bond with you like I did and it upsets him too. He didn't get to hold you or feel you kick... He was robbed of those moments, you see? His baby girl of only 16.2 weeks who he looked forward to seeing on that ultrasound screen at each appointment was now an angel in heaven and he didn't even get to hold her first!? It has been really hard on Daddy and he hides it from Mommy sometimes because, well, he's a Daddy. ♥

It's been 4 weeks baby girl. I hope you're settling in wonderfully up there regardless of the heartache left behind down here. You were meant to be... God makes no mistakes, man does! Mommy and you were failed by Mommy's doctors... I'm so sorry angel! I will make sure that your Sister is not given the same poor medical attention. She will be safe with Mommy and Daddy (just as you were) so tell her to get really excited because you would have loved to have been here with us instead, and would gladly take her place just so that you could have met your parents who waited so many years to see your precious face. One sweet day...

We love you baby girl!
♥ Mom and Dad

Another Minute...

Another minute has just gone by in another hour of another day. Come Monday it will have been another week without you in our lives. 4 weeks past and it sometimes seems like things are coming together and then that day rushes back to memory as a tide that crashes the shore and I lose my footing. I understand now. I understand the love a Mother has for her child. I miss you with every breath that I take and think of how you never even breathed your first...

I pray for strength daily, God hear my prayers: I surrender all. You have a baby girl that means everything to me up there with you now. Please give her a kiss from me and her Daddy. Then when YOU'RE ready, please make us parents again to her baby sister.  Amen. ♥

Proud To Be An Angel's Mom

I AM AN ANGEL'S MOM!!! That makes me a prayer warrior constantly sending up love to heaven above, air blowing kisses to the skies for my angel to catch, reading bedtime stories out loud in hopes that she is listening, and walking into an empty nursery just to rearrange another stuffed animal for her! I'm a strong mountain refusing to be moved by devastation, a solid faith holder as God carries me through this storm, a tissue queen after every good cry is done, a grief author that has enough heartache to write a book on loss, a nurse that's mended my own broken heart, a librarian that files away the pain sometimes just to show a smile, a mime that knows words aren't always best, a ray of sunshine to show the positive side of life and that it will get better once the storms subside, a psychiatrist that sorts through my own guilt, doubt, and fears daily, a woman that stands in the grace of God thanking him every step of the way, a beautiful person that claims our baby girl is still our miracle and always will be, a believer that God can do anything and he's still working on me, an anchor that clings to hope knowing this isn't the end, & I am even tough enough to scare away Satan! I don’t get holidays, sick pay, or days off!! I work through the heartache in the day and rarely sleep a wink at night! I am looking up to heaven for the rest of my life hoping to get a glimpse of my baby girl's smile. I may not be anything to you but I am EVERYTHING to her… I'M A PROUD MOM TO AN ANGEL BABY!

Can't Sleep Through The Pain

Sleep taunts me as I bat my eyes that feel as though they are leaking sand. The tears have eroded deep grooves into my cheeks from the all familiar road that they repeatedly take throughout the day as emotions seem to vanish and reappear incessantly. If I were to wear mascara tonight then my face would look as though it were part of her nursery design with "zebra" patterns adorned on my cheeks as well as the shirt I wear. Poems seem to produce a moment of relief and serve as a creative outlet for me to explain my unbearable suffering. Short and brief such as her life, I find peace in the words I write. I hope to drift off to sleep and dream again soon so that I can hold you...
Mommy loves you baby girl ♥ R.I.P. CMR ♥

Bittersweet

I'm sorry if you shy from me fearing what you might say wrong

I apologize if it bothers you but I am a Mother to a child that's gone

I don't know what to say if you feel like you can't share your excitement with me

I'm saddened and dismayed but this bittersweet grief is something that's here to stay

I wish you all the happiness in your journey and on your way

I hope you'll think of how blessed you are next time you start to complain today

Your back hurts, your feet swell, you have a headache that hurts like hell but can't you see?

You are living the dream that I had to say goodbye to just short of 17 weeks

So please enjoy it as if you were me as I watch from a distance and grieve

It's bittersweet...

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

3 Weeks Later

‎3 weeks ago today we were told we had lost our little girl... It hasn't gotten any easier and when someone asks me how I'm doing these days I lose it a little bit inside. I am forever broken and I understand that I will always wonder about the sweet baby that never got to be with me and her Daddy. You are my ♥ and you took a piece of Mama with you when you left. I grieve for you in the silences and put on a smile for everyone else to see... As I wipe away at the tears, I know pain is only temporary. I can't explain or describe the pain of the loss we have experienced. So deep, unrelenting, and shows no mercy... No parent should have to ever bury their child, their baby! We miss you always! Our baby girl, Crimsyn Molli. ♥

Empty

I have an empty bed

It's fairly small in size

It's still missing a mattress

I was sure we'd have it in time

We loved the color too

The shade of green, so blue

I imagined you in there

Now I walk past and stare

The bedroom was a spare

We prepared it with such extra care

You were such a tiny pink surprise

We planned you but still couldn't believe our eyes

I have an empty crib

It was meant to be yours

We decorated with pinks and purples

So many fun ideas in store

I have your picture frames

"Princess" and "It's a girl" all the same

Daddy removed your picture from there

Mommy couldn't handle the memory nor dare

To try and imagine you gone

It has been so short yet seems so long

You were so close to our touch

It's tragic how much we've had to miss, so much

We will never see you laugh or hold you when you cry

Never sing you off to sleep with an original lullaby

We can't cradle or rock you, only stuffed animals instead

You see sweet baby you left us aching with everything left unsaid

You won't ever tattle on your siblings

We won't see you argue back

You can't play Mommy against Daddy

Even though you would've always won at that

I won't be able to watch you as you play

The dogs can't chase you while you keep them at bay

I can't hold you as you start to take your first steps

I won't grip your hand or watch you as you learn to dress yourself

Daddy can't chase away your boyfriends

He can't give you a hard time

You can't beg him to take you and your friends shopping

Or ask him for his last dime

Daddy won't walk you down the aisle this time

He won't give you your last kiss as a "Miss"

But rest assured when he gets to heaven

He will hold his baby girl and you'll never guess

Our love for you is always

Until a day past eternity

You see, Daddy made that promise to Mommy

And to you it's a promise we will keep

I hate I never got to hold you

To kiss your head so soft

I will wait so long again until I can see you

Or know if it is me you favor after all

I know you would've made a fantastic woman

A mother and a friend

I couldn't wait to see your children

I couldn't wait to hold their little hands

It's ok my sweet angel

Don't fret or worry for us

Know Mommy and Daddy are making due

We will get by on our love

One day when we get to heaven

Promise me you'll be the first in line

Waiting on us at those golden gates

Assure us you'll be on time

We can't wait to meet again, Molli

Your arms are all I anticipate

Your nursery may be sad for now

But one day another baby will be at play

I hope you don't mind sharing your dresses

The special ones we bought with you in mind

I'm sure you can share your toys

When our new little one arrives

We love you our baby girl

Never will that ever change

As much I wish there was more

You already know my heart and all I could ever say

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

I Held You Tonight

I held you tonight

But knew it wasn't true

I held you with my heart

And thought I really knew you

You smiled a crooked smile

A smirk, a tiny grin...

I heard your laughter in my mind

I wished you here right then

I held you for a moment

You were right inside of me

To the left of my navel always

That's where you'd seem to be

I held you in my mind tonight

Thank God for small blessings in pink

I pray for slumber sometimes

Just to be able to see you while I sleep

I never imagined counting sheep

Never saw it to be a hobby for me

Everytime I miss my baby girl now

I wipe away tears and drift off to dream

I can hold and rock you again tonight

You know just where to meet me

I'm the one with the broken heart

Molli, I'll always be your Mommy!

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

We Will Celebrate Your Life

We will celebrate your life, for every moment that we had with you was beautiful and special!
Molli has more than one birthday! She has more than one celebration day! She is our extra precious, special baby girl! And we will always remember...
I was supposed to have been 16 weeks 2 days gestation on Jan. 2, 2012 (the day I went into labor with our baby girl). However, Molli was measuring 16 weeks 5 days on the day that my water broke. She always measured a few (4-5) days ahead of schedule every single ultrasound. In fact, on Jan. 2, 2012 she should've measured 17 weeks exactly! Unfortunately, this means that we did lose our baby on New Years Eve, Dec. 31, 2011.
I thank God I was able to carry her inside of me through to the New Year; that I had no idea she had passed and I was able to enjoy the bliss of "Happy New Year" with my Husband while rubbing my tummy and wishing Crimsyn Molli that same "Happy New Year Baby Girl" greeting! It gave me a positive start to the New Year, even though a day later I went into labor and was forced to realize our baby had passed on long before...
The last time I felt her kick was the night of Dec. 29, 2011 after an 8 hour shift at work of standing on my feet at the cash register. My ankle felt like I had twisted or sprained it and had begun to swell towards the end of my shift that night. When 11 p.m. came I clocked out and drove home. I was so exhausted and couldn't wait for my Friday off! As I stepped out of the car around 11:15 p.m. that night and I walked down the breeze way of our apartment building... there she was. As clear as day I felt her little body jerk and she managed the hardest kick I have ever felt from her in the entire 16 weeks of my pregnancy. I literally stood still in the breeze way, rubbed the spot she kicked (directly to the left of my belly button), giggled out loud while saying "Ok Molli, we're home safe now. We can go to bed sweet girl. Mama loves you so much." I remember thinking to myself, I wish Daddy were awake and I could tell him about her hardest kick yet. Maybe I could even get her to do it once more for him. I smile while typing this because I realize that was the last time I felt my baby girl and she was giving it hell! She wasn't going down without a fight, just like her Mama.
The entire day of Dec. 30, 2011 went by without so much as a flutter from my baby girl. I was running a low grade temp. at this point from this nasty head cold and feeling blah. I went to work for half of my shift and then retired home to the couch with my pregnancy pillow for some much needed rest! I had a peaceful night that night without many disturbances and just a couple of late night bathroom runs thanks to my "what seemed like" shrinking bladder.
The next day was quite different actually! I went to work for half of my shift and returned home to relax and rest again. Lots of water and soup to help me get over this nasty cold. Then I felt what seemed like "contractions" the night of Dec. 31, 2011, but I brushed it off as pressure from my uterus growing as well as some killer constipation that I thought I was having. I laid down at 9:30 p.m. and fell asleep from my body feeling so under the weather and drained. I then awoke at 3 a.m. on New Years Day, just 3 hours from welcoming a new year, with horrible cramps and nausea. I went to use the bathroom and then laid back down until it was time for my 11 a.m. shift at work. I didn't realize my body was trying to deliver our baby at this time. Throughout the entire weekend of New Years I had to cut 2 days at work short because I was feeling so bad.
Thank God for my supervisor, Miss Shirley H., who allowed me early departure on both Dec. 31 and Jan. 1 at work once she saw how ill I was. Sadly, this once again was a sign something was wrong but I just pushed it off and thought of it as baby "growing" pains.
Then that following dreaded Monday, Jan. 2, 2012, is when I went into labor (water broke) at 9:45 a.m. Now looking back I wished I had listened to my body and Molli, but it was my first pregnancy to go past 5 weeks so how was I to know what was "normal" for me after all? I can't blame myself, which is why I write this letter for Molli and myself.
I couldn't have known I was losing you, my sweet Molli, on New Years weekend. There was no way for Mommy to really know. I thought you were making more room for yourself in there and just trusted in God that everything was happening just as it should. I had to allow what would be to be.
Mommy had a nasty head cold that she had caught from work earlier that week on Thursday and when she went shopping and out to eat with Daddy on Friday she started feeling under the weather with sinus drainage and sore throat drama. I ignored all my pregnancy symptoms because of how sick I was physically with this head cold, but Mommy no longer blames herself. I realize I couldn't have known nor could I or the doctors have done anything to help you.
Mommy loves you so much baby girl and now you are in a much safer, better place where Jesus can protect and hold to you for Mommy and Daddy... just until we get there. Please watch over us Crimsyn! Please send down your baby sister and watch over her too so that she arrives safely in our arms. We miss you so much!
This time of year will always be special to us now. We will celebrate your beautiful due date of June 12, 2012 and every June 12th to follow! As for New Years Eve, it will always be celebrated as "Molli's peaceful passing to Heaven" day where she got to meet Jesus! What a wonderful birthday gift and celebration to have!
You will always be remembered and never forgotten. We love you Crimsyn Molli Ruebin! You are our baby girl! We will celebrate your life instead of grieving your absence, so that we can move on with our lives and raise your baby sister(s) when they arrive...
In Jesus' name... May you rest in the arms of our Lord.
<3 Love Mommy and Daddy! <3

Our Molli Must Be Shy

Our Molli Must Be Shy - 2011

I remember that morning of October 4th
That test your Mama took stole her heart
Those two, tiny, faint lines
Could it be, it worked on the third try?

Two miscarriages in the past
Broken hearts mended fast
I couldn't believe you were real
Seeing your heart beat for the first time, still surreal

October 20th & 27th, November 3rd, 9th, 16th, & 23rd
With every week's appointment I held my breath
Yet every week you performed for us
Daddy, Nana, Aunt Kit, and Graduation Day with Aunt B

Then there was genetic screening
Dec. 9th I felt my chest beating
Is she healthy, is something wrong
But with every measurement, they assured me she's strong

I can't quite grasp where to go from here
I was done with appointments until the new year
So on to a 4D just for fun
That's when we confirmed you were the one!

A bouncing, happy baby girl
You moved about and gave such a fuss
You wouldn't let us see your gender
You refused to allow us to adjust

Mommy and Daddy followed up the day after Christmas
I wanted to confirm my girl for all the doubters
When I saw that booty there was no denying
Our Crimsyn Molli would join us proudly

I was really stressed throughout the holidays
My Sister caused such drama and hate
It was unfortunate for you to have to feel it
I'm sorry if that's what made you run away

I suppose My Molli must be shy
She didn't like those ultrasounds
She would squirm and kick
Such grand movements for such a small fry

When we measured each bone to cranium
We heard your heart beat time after time
Every single appointment when we would miss that beat
I would say my Molli may be shy, how sweet

There were times on occasion
Your heart beat wouldn't sound
They had to use other methods of finding it
But it was always found...

Until the day Mommy felt so sick
It was New Years Eve and she couldn't stay at work
Mommy went home and rested her feet
I lost you that night, your heart skipped a beat

I didn't know at the time that you were gone
I went to work half the day on Sunday feeling drum
Come Monday morning when I felt that rush
I knew something was wrong, hospital a must

Daddy came home from work
He was so scared for you and me
He thought it was a false alarm
Mommy said it was all a dream

When they wheeled in that machine
They claimed they needed to find your heart
It's just gotta beat...
My Molli may be shy though

Sometimes she doesn't show up
I talked to myself that it was ok
Sometimes her heart didn't show up on certain days
They said time for ultrasound since no sound was found

That's when we saw you slumped over, still no sound
You didn't wiggle, squirm, or kick
There was no movement out of your body then
Your heart and all four chambers sat as still as a picture

We knew our Molli was gone
We knew our hope was lost
Our healthy girl of 16 weeks, something was wrong
How could God send down an angel that's meant to be

How could he allow her heart to beat
How could he give you 16 weeks of joy
Watching her grow up in pictures on an ultrasound
Hearing that beautiful heart beat... that noise!

How could God take away something so perfect
Two deserving people who wanted her so much
I suppose our Molli may be shy once again, as I shed a tear
She wasn't ready for us, perhaps we rushed?

I grieved and I shook as I laid in that hospital bed
Don't take my baby, she's not dead!
Leave me alone, her heart will beat... you'll see...
Denial overcame me as tears started to seep

My Mother walked in with my Sister by her side
It was all I could do not to show I had died inside
It was all I could do not to scream out in pain
To let them know that Molli's heart would never beat again

How could I face all our family and friends
After leaping with joy over our new baby addition
How could I walk into her nursery at night
Without crying tears, a dry eye in sight?

Another ultrasound confirmed once again
To My Mother's disbelief...
Her granddaughter lay quiet without a beat

Her perfect still heart captured for that moment in time
That was our Crimsyn Molli
She just must be shy...

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

January 13, 2012

The Last 48 Hours

Our Precious Baby Girl and Her Last 48 Hours With Us:
I had caught a head cold on Thursday (Dec. 29, 2011) and had started on a Z-pack prescribed by my OB. I was feeling awfully stuffy headed and sneezing constantly. I even went to work against my best judgement and My Hubby's wishes.
Our sweet Crimsyn Molli passed away on January 1, 2012 at 3 a.m. I awoke from my sleep feeling extremely sick and having a chill all over my body. I suppose this was a "Mother's Intuition" or so they call it. Something felt terribly wrong! I texted Timmy to tell him how I was feeling and then laid back down to get some more sleep.
At 10:30 a.m. I was walking past the hallway when I glimpsed down and saw the image of a baby girl that resembled me (an awfully lot) with other adorable features like big loose caramel blonde curls. She was playing with a stretchy type of rainbow colored toy and looked up while smiling at me. She couldn't have been more than 9 months old. It was brief but gave me a chill down my spine with an overall feeling of serene peace. I thought to myself "I just saw my baby before she has even arrived. How blessed am I?!" And I texted her Daddy at 10:45 a.m. to tell him all about it. I was so excited.
Little did I think or connect the dots at the time... my gift to see spirits and premonitions has always been strong and I never in a million years would have thought my baby in my womb had indeed passed on earlier that morning and I was getting to meet her for the first and last time there in my hallway.
Within 24 hours of seeing my angel in the hallway, my water had broken and we were in the ER awaiting news on how our Crimsyn Molli was doing. They put me in a room bypassing triage and that's when I realized it was serious. I started bleeding a lot (I lost quite a bit of blood) and when they did the transvaginal ultrasound it revealed our baby girl, slumped over and measuring only 16 weeks 5 days along. She was not moving and her heart was still. You could see all four chambers of her beautiful, tiny heart but no flicker.... not one beat to be seen, not a single dance move from her adorable silhouette. We knew she had left us at that point.
I could never describe the pain I felt at this very moment other than I honestly thought I would die right there of a heart attack or panic attack. I couldn't breathe and I could barely speak. All I could say is: "She has a nursery. She has a wardrobe. She has parents that love her. This is just a dream. She can't be gone. No!!! We deserve her. We've had to fight so hard. This was supposed to be our miracle, finally." I repeated this over and over like a mad woman.
Ultimately, they decided on surgery to birth her from me. I could have gone home and birthed her on my own (the dr. was going to allow this), but I would have had to sign a form stating I released them from all risks and the risk was death due to hemorrage because of the heparin I was on 2x a day for the past 9 weeks. I didn't want to die as well, so we decided to have a D&C at the hospital instead where I could be monitored if something went wrong. They did the procedure at 3 p.m. (36 hours from when our baby had passed away) and by 6 p.m. I was back in my room grieving over the loss of our only daughter.
I felt like I needed to re-live this story in order to heal. This was part of my moving on, my recovery, my healing... and I'm glad I could share it with all of you who loved and adored our baby girl as much as we did. She passed away on December 31, 2011 at only 16 weeks ... we will always love our angel!

A Dream That Will Never Come True

We lost a dream on this day... Her name is Crimsyn Molli and she was 16 weeks gestation.  Looking back on this day I remember the horror like it was yesterday.  Finding out my water had broken at 9:45 a.m., being rushed to the ER/admitted at 10:30 a.m., and seeing our daughter on that ultrasound machine motionless by 12:00 p.m.  I fell apart!  She had passed away two days before my water had broken.  My heart was ripped from my chest with no mercy to spare me.  I laid there in the hospital bed as blood gushed from her "safe haven" out onto a hospital pad that had been placed underneath my lower extremities.  I grieved, I shook, I heaved, I trembled, but with every emotion that ran through my head all I could think about is why us?  She was our blessing after years of prayer.  I screamed out "NO!  Not my Molli. (shaking my head and sobbing heavily)  She's alive!  Let me see the ultrasound screen."  I was in such denial, disbelief, and extreme heartache that I could see no truth in an ultrasound machine that showed my daughter lifeless.  She was not dancing (as she always would), no heartbeat to see as I squinted through the tears, and then within these short minutes from being told by a Dr. that she was indeed gone... I finally accepted what had become of our daughter.  Just 2.5 hours before all of this I had just awoken to a new morning and rubbed my tummy while saying out loud "Good Morning Baby Girl.  I'm sorry Mommy feels so icky today.  God is going to protect us though." 

They call it a "missed abortion" in medical terms.  I call it my daughter who went to meet Jesus leaving behind a trail of broken hearts, dreams, and hopes.  I will never forget this day for as long as I live.  I will hurt at every year that passes this day by and think of how old would she be now, who would she have become, and what would my grandbabies have been like?  These are questions that will never satisfy an answer.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much baby girl!