Molli has more than one birthday! She has more than one celebration day! She is our extra precious, special baby girl! And we will always remember...
I was supposed to have been 16 weeks 2 days gestation on Jan. 2, 2012 (the day I went into labor with our baby girl). However, Molli was measuring 16 weeks 5 days on the day that my water broke. She always measured a few (4-5) days ahead of schedule every single ultrasound. In fact, on Jan. 2, 2012 she should've measured 17 weeks exactly! Unfortunately, this means that we did lose our baby on New Years Eve, Dec. 31, 2011.
I thank God I was able to carry her inside of me through to the New Year; that I had no idea she had passed and I was able to enjoy the bliss of "Happy New Year" with my Husband while rubbing my tummy and wishing Crimsyn Molli that same "Happy New Year Baby Girl" greeting! It gave me a positive start to the New Year, even though a day later I went into labor and was forced to realize our baby had passed on long before...
The last time I felt her kick was the night of Dec. 29, 2011 after an 8 hour shift at work of standing on my feet at the cash register. My ankle felt like I had twisted or sprained it and had begun to swell towards the end of my shift that night. When 11 p.m. came I clocked out and drove home. I was so exhausted and couldn't wait for my Friday off! As I stepped out of the car around 11:15 p.m. that night and I walked down the breeze way of our apartment building... there she was. As clear as day I felt her little body jerk and she managed the hardest kick I have ever felt from her in the entire 16 weeks of my pregnancy. I literally stood still in the breeze way, rubbed the spot she kicked (directly to the left of my belly button), giggled out loud while saying "Ok Molli, we're home safe now. We can go to bed sweet girl. Mama loves you so much." I remember thinking to myself, I wish Daddy were awake and I could tell him about her hardest kick yet. Maybe I could even get her to do it once more for him. I smile while typing this because I realize that was the last time I felt my baby girl and she was giving it hell! She wasn't going down without a fight, just like her Mama.
The entire day of Dec. 30, 2011 went by without so much as a flutter from my baby girl. I was running a low grade temp. at this point from this nasty head cold and feeling blah. I went to work for half of my shift and then retired home to the couch with my pregnancy pillow for some much needed rest! I had a peaceful night that night without many disturbances and just a couple of late night bathroom runs thanks to my "what seemed like" shrinking bladder.
The next day was quite different actually! I went to work for half of my shift and returned home to relax and rest again. Lots of water and soup to help me get over this nasty cold. Then I felt what seemed like "contractions" the night of Dec. 31, 2011, but I brushed it off as pressure from my uterus growing as well as some killer constipation that I thought I was having. I laid down at 9:30 p.m. and fell asleep from my body feeling so under the weather and drained. I then awoke at 3 a.m. on New Years Day, just 3 hours from welcoming a new year, with horrible cramps and nausea. I went to use the bathroom and then laid back down until it was time for my 11 a.m. shift at work. I didn't realize my body was trying to deliver our baby at this time. Throughout the entire weekend of New Years I had to cut 2 days at work short because I was feeling so bad.
Thank God for my supervisor, Miss Shirley H., who allowed me early departure on both Dec. 31 and Jan. 1 at work once she saw how ill I was. Sadly, this once again was a sign something was wrong but I just pushed it off and thought of it as baby "growing" pains.
Then that following dreaded Monday, Jan. 2, 2012, is when I went into labor (water broke) at 9:45 a.m. Now looking back I wished I had listened to my body and Molli, but it was my first pregnancy to go past 5 weeks so how was I to know what was "normal" for me after all? I can't blame myself, which is why I write this letter for Molli and myself.
I couldn't have known I was losing you, my sweet Molli, on New Years weekend. There was no way for Mommy to really know. I thought you were making more room for yourself in there and just trusted in God that everything was happening just as it should. I had to allow what would be to be.
Mommy had a nasty head cold that she had caught from work earlier that week on Thursday and when she went shopping and out to eat with Daddy on Friday she started feeling under the weather with sinus drainage and sore throat drama. I ignored all my pregnancy symptoms because of how sick I was physically with this head cold, but Mommy no longer blames herself. I realize I couldn't have known nor could I or the doctors have done anything to help you.
Mommy loves you so much baby girl and now you are in a much safer, better place where Jesus can protect and hold to you for Mommy and Daddy... just until we get there. Please watch over us Crimsyn! Please send down your baby sister and watch over her too so that she arrives safely in our arms. We miss you so much!
This time of year will always be special to us now. We will celebrate your beautiful due date of June 12, 2012 and every June 12th to follow! As for New Years Eve, it will always be celebrated as "Molli's peaceful passing to Heaven" day where she got to meet Jesus! What a wonderful birthday gift and celebration to have!
You will always be remembered and never forgotten. We love you Crimsyn Molli Ruebin! You are our baby girl! We will celebrate your life instead of grieving your absence, so that we can move on with our lives and raise your baby sister(s) when they arrive...
In Jesus' name... May you rest in the arms of our Lord.
<3 Love Mommy and Daddy! <3
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