Our Molli Must Be Shy

Our Molli Must Be Shy - 2011

I remember that morning of October 4th
That test your Mama took stole her heart
Those two, tiny, faint lines
Could it be, it worked on the third try?

Two miscarriages in the past
Broken hearts mended fast
I couldn't believe you were real
Seeing your heart beat for the first time, still surreal

October 20th & 27th, November 3rd, 9th, 16th, & 23rd
With every week's appointment I held my breath
Yet every week you performed for us
Daddy, Nana, Aunt Kit, and Graduation Day with Aunt B

Then there was genetic screening
Dec. 9th I felt my chest beating
Is she healthy, is something wrong
But with every measurement, they assured me she's strong

I can't quite grasp where to go from here
I was done with appointments until the new year
So on to a 4D just for fun
That's when we confirmed you were the one!

A bouncing, happy baby girl
You moved about and gave such a fuss
You wouldn't let us see your gender
You refused to allow us to adjust

Mommy and Daddy followed up the day after Christmas
I wanted to confirm my girl for all the doubters
When I saw that booty there was no denying
Our Crimsyn Molli would join us proudly

I was really stressed throughout the holidays
My Sister caused such drama and hate
It was unfortunate for you to have to feel it
I'm sorry if that's what made you run away

I suppose My Molli must be shy
She didn't like those ultrasounds
She would squirm and kick
Such grand movements for such a small fry

When we measured each bone to cranium
We heard your heart beat time after time
Every single appointment when we would miss that beat
I would say my Molli may be shy, how sweet

There were times on occasion
Your heart beat wouldn't sound
They had to use other methods of finding it
But it was always found...

Until the day Mommy felt so sick
It was New Years Eve and she couldn't stay at work
Mommy went home and rested her feet
I lost you that night, your heart skipped a beat

I didn't know at the time that you were gone
I went to work half the day on Sunday feeling drum
Come Monday morning when I felt that rush
I knew something was wrong, hospital a must

Daddy came home from work
He was so scared for you and me
He thought it was a false alarm
Mommy said it was all a dream

When they wheeled in that machine
They claimed they needed to find your heart
It's just gotta beat...
My Molli may be shy though

Sometimes she doesn't show up
I talked to myself that it was ok
Sometimes her heart didn't show up on certain days
They said time for ultrasound since no sound was found

That's when we saw you slumped over, still no sound
You didn't wiggle, squirm, or kick
There was no movement out of your body then
Your heart and all four chambers sat as still as a picture

We knew our Molli was gone
We knew our hope was lost
Our healthy girl of 16 weeks, something was wrong
How could God send down an angel that's meant to be

How could he allow her heart to beat
How could he give you 16 weeks of joy
Watching her grow up in pictures on an ultrasound
Hearing that beautiful heart beat... that noise!

How could God take away something so perfect
Two deserving people who wanted her so much
I suppose our Molli may be shy once again, as I shed a tear
She wasn't ready for us, perhaps we rushed?

I grieved and I shook as I laid in that hospital bed
Don't take my baby, she's not dead!
Leave me alone, her heart will beat... you'll see...
Denial overcame me as tears started to seep

My Mother walked in with my Sister by her side
It was all I could do not to show I had died inside
It was all I could do not to scream out in pain
To let them know that Molli's heart would never beat again

How could I face all our family and friends
After leaping with joy over our new baby addition
How could I walk into her nursery at night
Without crying tears, a dry eye in sight?

Another ultrasound confirmed once again
To My Mother's disbelief...
Her granddaughter lay quiet without a beat

Her perfect still heart captured for that moment in time
That was our Crimsyn Molli
She just must be shy...

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

January 13, 2012