Tonight I think of how my body is telling me we're ready to try again yet my heart says I'm not. Is it supposed to hurt so much 8 weeks post miscarriage? My thoughts are scattered, I can't focus, it's hard to be excited for others, difficult to be social, and hard to relate to a Husband who was her Daddy and just as much her parent as I was. I resent my guilt, hate, and anger. I smile and put on a pretty convincing facade to others but inside I am torn apart, worn down, and downright bitter. Our daughter's name represents the feelings I have after her death and we didn't plan it that way when we chose her name. We actually named her 3 weeks before we found out her heart had stopped beating at just 16.2 weeks gestation. We had her nursery ready, toys, clothes, and picture frames anticipating our first photo holding her that would have been taken in June 2012. Now her ultrasound photo sits in that frame because we'll never have a photo of her outside of my body that we can place in that frame.
Crimsyn Molli was conceived on September 24, 2011 and left us on December 31, 2011. I had a D&C on January 2, 2012 after my water broke. We found out she had actually passed away two days before (by measurements on the ultrasound). She would never say "I love you Mommy and Daddy." She would never take her first steps, play with her toys, or harass the two puppy dogs we call our children as well. She will never beg to go out on a date or ask her Daddy to walk her down the aisle. These moments were stolen from us... and from our family.
Crimsyn - "Deep Red" (The strong passion and pain we have felt since she has left)
Molli - "Sea of Bitterness" (The sea of tears and bitter feeling left behind from her passing)
We will always love you Molli. You are so deeply missed.
BLOG POST:
It's been 8 weeks today since Mommy and Daddy realized we wouldn't be taking you home with us in June after all. It hasn't gotten much easier either. We miss you so much. I can never replace my Crimsyn Molli. There will never be a moment that you are forgotten, not even for a second. We love you Angel Bug! You are so very dear and special to us. I know you're up there looking down on us while we wipe tears from our eyes, and you don't understand the pain we feel because you are in such a wonderful place where you feel no pain. I am glad you are safe up there even though I wish I could have had the chance to protect you here on earth. Happy Birthday! It's been 8 weeks since you earned your wings... ♥ Love, Mommy and Daddy
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