Lost...

51 weeks tomorrow... 1 year since your tiny heart stopped beating. It has yet to get "easier" for me. Mommy misses you. I will cry a river this week as so many emotions flood my memory. You stopped life on earth on 12/31/2011 and on 01/02/2012, you broke our hearts forever.

I will always miss you no matter the days, weeks, or years that will come and go. I will have times of bitterness, bouts of loneliness, and moments of great sadness now that you have left this world. My inner being hurts to hold you just once for I know I would never let go.

To smell the baby aroma on your forehead, kiss those rosy cheeks, run my finger down the bridge of your nose, count all fingers and toes, and tell you how I've longed to hear you cry... I would cause you to stir just so I could wipe a tear fro...m your angelic eye. I would sing to you your song, my tiny dancer while on this earth... I would grace your ears with my lips as I whisper each verse. I could breathe you in with every breath I take... Reassuring you of my unconditional love forever and always. I would glance upon your face and sketch a photo in my mind... I would never forget a grimace, a frown, even a smile, carefully memorizing each line. I would place my finger in your hand while your reflexes take grasp... and I'd remember every sound you made ... every baby gasp.

These are things stolen from me... Memories robbed. Do you sing in your sleep when you're dreaming? Do you giggle out loud? I'll never get the chance to experience any of this now but in my mind you're perfect, and I imagine you to be just as I've described.

I can't believe it's only been a year since I carried you in my tummy. I can believe how hard it's been to cope though. I miss you so much, Molli. The loss of a child is irreparable.

Mommy loves you!
♥ CMR ♥

December 26th

This is a rough day for Mommy, Molli. On this very day... just one year ago, it was the last time me and your Daddy saw you alive. I watch the ultrasound video back over and over sometimes... in disbelief. How did this happen to such a healthy, perfect baby girl? How could my doctor have been so stupid as to miss such a big thing... that caused me to lose you!?

I hurt inside when remembering... I lose my breath each time I think back on the memories of when we lost you. December 26, 2011 was such a different time for Mommy. I was so very happy and overjoyed on that day... like a million bucks, and nobody could bring me down that day... this I remember. We saw you having hiccups and we laughed... measured that beautiful heartbeat at 146 bpm... watched you pull your cord inbetween ...your legs and acting all modest. My God, I sit and cry out at times... Why did I have to endure this pain in my life? Why me?

I miss you so much always and there's not a day when it gets "easier" to miss you.

One year ago today, I held you inside my tummy... I carried you! Mommy would do it all again if given the chance... I would have saved you, had I known you were slipping. Molli, there's still so much hurt and regret I could never expect for anyone to understand... but I know there's a place in grief where you are there for me to lean on, my tiny dancer, our guardian angel.

It's a very long road ahead, still... I will forever miss my baby girl. I love you, angel.
♥ CMR ♥

Rough Nights

Mommy's having a rough night tonight. I sit here cuddling your baby brother, so grateful to have him here with us... Then I also wonder if you would have looked like him, what would your personality be like?

It's growing closer to the day my world came crashing down around me and I pray for strength. The grief comes and goes but is far stronger here lately.

I have seen the worst and have held the best... I wouldn't trade the memories for anything. If I had read the last page first... If only I could have saved you.
...
I wish you could meet your baby brother. You would adore him like we do! He's amazing and so beautiful. I trust you gave him those dimples for Mommy and Daddy to kiss!

We love you, angel!
Merry Christmas!
♥ CMR ♥

Allow

Stop!
Watch what you say!
Have you considered how I'm dealing?
... Could you imagine the pain?

Breathe,
Allow me to grieve,
For a tiny dream was all too soon,
Stolen from me.

Precious moments glimmered
In hopes of June's arrival,
Yet December's bitter embrace
Stripped away her rights to survival

So please,
Won't you allow me...?
I'm missing my daughter
And no, it's not time to set her free

49 Weeks Later

49 weeks and I feel you here with me daily.

Did you send the ladybugs today? Thank you. Mommy needed that little nudge as if to say "it's ok, Mom."

I love you so much, Molli. Your ornaments were placed on the tree today and still... as I placed the one we had made last year, when you were in Mommy's tummy, on the tree... something died inside of me. A happiness I fear I will never find again, the first pregnancy I had ever had the joy of experiencing and carrying within me, and my baby girl that I dreamed of holding come that warm June day that you were due to arrive upon.
...
Merry Christmas to my baby girl in Heaven. Dreams fade but memories forever stay.
♥ CMR ♥

12/12/2012

12/12/12 ... Your baby brother is 1 month old today! And today also marks 6 months from your due date... ironically.

You would be 6 months old today and such a big girl by now. I'd see smiles, grins, smirks, and hear your little voice so clearly by now. You'd be learning to roll over, sit up, and use your hands too! Oh at all you would do ... My little pride and joy!

Mommy grieves for these moments missed. You are never forgotten, always so loved. You were alive. You did exist. You are my baby.
...
I love you, Molli.
♥ CMR ♥

One Year Ago...

This day one year ago... we went in for our NT scan at our Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor and walked out with an ultrasound picture that said "It's a GIRL!" I could not have been happier! We left from there and ate McAlister's Deli with your Nana, then met Aunt B at the mall to build you your 1st stuffed animal (Smurfette - Mommy still has her in the closet), and then off to Books-a-Million where Nana bought you your 1st MudPie item (a pair of "I ♥ Santa" bloomers).

We were so excited that you would be joining our little Ohana soon. 12/09/11 was by far one of the best days of our lives... Our baby was 100% perfect and healthy... and a sweet baby girl (just as we had hoped and prayed for all these years).

It's crazy how much has changed in a year. It's hard to realize that this year I'm spending my 1st Christmas without you. Mommy misses you!
♥ CMR ♥