Loneliness

 

I felt like writing to you as Try snoozes in his bassinet...

Your baby brother is such a character, Molli. He will stare at the clovers decorating our walls and just crack up laughing. I wonder, does he know that's his symbol from us? He must! He just enjoys clovers too much.

I wish we could have had you both here with us. What a wonderful life that would have been. Both of my babies are very special to me in very different ways.
...
You showed us it was possible! We were so scared because we had never gotten so far before... You showed us how to have such naive faith and trust... Pure innocence. You taught us that it is okay to want certain dreams in your life, it is ok to drop your guard from excitement of your "finally" coming to be, you allowed us to be parents for 4 months... and always! You paved the way! My strong, sweet, tiny dancer!

Your brother showed us what it feels like to open our hearts and love again. How to trust again with hopes of health and new life at the end of a heartbreaking, long journey. He has made us complete. We actually almost named him Journey! But Try seemed so much more appropriate. It was the "try" again that lead us through the journey, after all. He makes us so happy and proud. I know you can see that.

We love you, baby girl. You served a grand purpose. You weren't meant to stay and some days that is ok, Mommy understands. Other days, I am angry and I feel jilted because I miss you so much. I feel forever bi-polar drudging around in grief but those that know me best, know my heart. There is a piece forever placed among the stars and clouds. A piece that will always dance with angels, and that... Well, that is also ok with me. ♥

60 Weeks Later

 

Today marks 60 weeks... Hard to believe. Had you told me I would be losing a daughter at 27 years old and welcoming a son by 28, I wouldn't have believed you!!!

The person I was back in December 2011 is dead and gone. I have had to pick up pieces and relearn so much in my life. My trust was broken and faith shaken. It is still not back to where it was. Getting pregnant doesn't always result in taking home a baby at the end of those 9 months. You're not safe... Something our OB told us we were just one week prior to your death.

I was so sure that you were our miracle after 6 years of praying. I never saw it ending as it did. I miss you more than words could ever express. I'm sorry I couldn't save us. I wish I could go back... I'd do so much differently. So many guilty regrets I would un...do. I would never have failed you!

I pray for peace but it's yet to come. I've tried letting go but it's not to be. I counted the seconds to minutes to hours to days... Now I count the weeks. I wish I didn't hurt so bad. I wish I could live the way I did back when you were in my tummy.

Life sucks and it's not fair. No matter how much you pray, you're not protected from it. I prayed every day when you were in my tummy. I thanked God for you and told him how grateful I was that he trusted us with you. I told him of plans we had for you and how thrilled we were to have this precious miracle thriving.

Perhaps bc we wanted you so much and would have been so happy, He took you back?! I remember saying how you were too good to be true.

How amazing it was to be having our first baby, a girl, and due in June (Our wedding anniversary month)?! You were too good to be true. And you couldn't stay...

Your baby brother looks so much like you. He shares that adorable "butt" chin of yours and has the sweetest smile! I wish you could grow up with him. I wish you could know him. He is such a character and has such spirit!!! He's so active and reminds me of the "DIVA" attitude you so often would show us you were capable of. He's amazing!

You would have loved us... We sure love you!

I Saw You

 

Mommy saw you tonight. It must have been you?! Playing with baby brother's bassinet, peering at me from an angle, big smile and two bottom teethies exposed. It was you!

How I love seeing you in the glances, reflections, and shadows; however there are times I wish I didn't see you so not to be reminded of what I'm missing, the baby girl I carried for four brief months, my Molli.

Some may think that I'm imagining your visits because of the amount of grief I now carry, but I know angels are among us. You are my angel. I love you so.
...
Goodnight, Mall bear.
♥ CMR ♥

59 Weeks Later

 

Good Morning, baby girl. Your brother has been asleep for over an hour now and yet I lay here wiping tears. I realize how you have only been gone 13 months, but it seems that your Mommy may never heal. I know you see me crying for you and I'm sorry I'm not stronger. I try to do my best for your baby brother. Even on days where I'm feeling more down than usual, I'll put on a smile for him. He needs me to be his Mommy too.

I love him so much, Molli. I know you see this and I hope you understand. I would have given anything to love you this way, to take you places, buy you things, dress you up in your favorite outfit, sing to you, and tell you how much I love you. I hope you understand...

All the excuses people say to convince me or justify that your loss was God's will... they are only ...trying to help but they don't realize how they are hurting me instead. God didn't need another angel, it wasn't better this way, you were perfectly healthy, and you were meant to be my daughter.

I have heard people in the baby loss community say they would do it all over again if given the chance, but I don't know if I would. Honestly, I would rather spare myself this hurt, guilt, and pain. I would rather have protected you from the struggle you had to give while fighting for your life. I would have rather never seen that stick with those double pink lines on the morning of October 4, 2011. But then, I would be erasing the happiest 4 months of my life. I was finally pregnant. I was having a girl!!! The girl we prayed countless nights for! My dreams were all coming true and were now being placed in you. I could never erase you.

Molli, I'm hurting more than usual lately and I know you know why. Tell God that I don't blame him. I never will. He is a merciful God that only has plans to give us hope and help us prosper. I know he has many blessings in store for me still.

Mommy must go now. Your baby brother's naps are short lately and I need a few Zzz's of my own. I love you so much, Molli! You will forever be our tiny dancer.

♥ CMR ♥

Week 59

So Strong?

 

So Strong

They say I'm strong
Never bending in the wind
They couldn't be more wrong
... Tears hidden again and again

I'm fragile and I'm broken
There's a story there to tell
Always left praying and hoping
Fearing I'll ultimately fail

The woman I was back then
She's so different nowadays
Her life had only started to begin
Heartache etched into every page

So strong, I am not
I count every breath
Her Mother cries a lot
Lean on me but please don't press

I could shatter at any moment
At the mention of her name
Lingering in the silence, I wince
Remembering the silhouette of her face

Some days, I'm ok
Others, I barely get by
"She's so strong," they say
Imagine, my broken lullaby

By: Ashley Ruebin

Happy Valentine's Day, Molli!

Happy Valentine's Day in Heaven, baby girl. We love you and will be thinking of you. I hope there are heart decorations, sweet treats, and beautiful bouquets of flowers up there for you. Mommy would have made this a wonderful day for you if you were here... I celebrate the day with your Daddy and baby brother now though. ♥
We all love you, angel.

Happy Valentine's Day, Molli!

There are broken hearts
Down below you today
If you followed the path
... You'd see they stop where you lay

Did you get a balloon?
Chocolates or a card?
I tried sending them to you
You're so far, it was too hard

Lord, I do request one thing
Please give my baby girl a kiss for me
Whisper in her ear a happy valentine's day
Tell her even though she's not here
I think of her and also say...

There's a broken heart
Her Mommy's missing her so
I've wished her back to me
But too soon, she had to go

Happy Valentine's Day...
My beautiful, precious baby girl
Up in Heaven you must stay and wait
Never forget...
You and your brother are my whole world!

♥ Molli ♥
By: Ashley Ruebin

57 Weeks Later

57 weeks later...
For the first time in almost a year, I pulled out the medical documents from the day you were taken from us. Looking over those harsh, empty words: fetal demise, breaks my heart. It is still so surreal. I miss you, always.

♥ CMR ♥