Tiny Dancer At Rest

Tiny Dancer At Rest

My fists hit the wall

I scream out in pain

You would think I was missing

A part of me, lost in vain

 

 

The anger runs deep

The bitterness flows

I can't seem to think

Memories beckon to me so

 

 

I dream not of what was

I often imagine what could of been

I grind my teeth, distraught

Will you come back to me again?

 

 

The emptiness I feel

Over yet over I fall

I hear your tiny cry

Echoing in these walls

 

 

I walk past the doorway

Where you would have played

I see the nursery empty

I am haunted by that day

 

 

I had to wipe away the tears

Again yet again I sob

I revisit all of my fears

The moments that were robbed

 

 

I refuse to let you die

Your memory forever stays

Years from now I'll look back

And still remember that day

 

 

Goodnight our baby girl

Dance upon the skies

Please know that when we miss you

There will be tears that fall from our eyes

 

 

You are loved so much

You're our tiny dancer at best

If only given just one touch

Perhaps I could have then allowed you rest

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

10 Weeks Later

You See (A Grieving Mother)

I am a grieving Mother

There’s a side of me you don’t know

I had a perfect daughter

The pain inside me never shows

 

 

I try not to let you see

I keep it all inside

I locked away my dreams

I leave them there to hide

 

 

I held a baby girl

Not in my arms, you see

She was growing inside

She was but a part of me

 

 

I prayed every night

My faith overflowed

I dreamed of who she would look like

And when she was older, where she would go

 

 

You don’t see me crying

You can’t hear my screams

You see, when I close the door

I have my own private, bittersweet release

 

 

If you knew the pain I felt

I feel you would treat me differently

If you knew how fragile, how I broke when I fell

Then perhaps my feelings would be more often asked of me

 

 

I realize it’s a lot for you to absorb

So much pain, grief, and disappointment

There’s too much for you to comprehend

If only you knew how she was so important

 

 

I never told you how I still talk to her

You see, I failed to mention

Afraid of the odd stares I would receive

If only you would listen

 

 

I am a grieving Mother

My daughter has been gone for 10 weeks

It’s still so new to me too

That’s why tears continue to seep

 

 

Sometimes it’s awfully awkward

I don’t always know what to say

You see, I’m a grieving Mother for now

But I will have another baby girl one day!

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

9 Weeks Later

Goodnight Baby Girl! I know you're resting on the clouds and wondering why 9 weeks hasn't passed with more ease for us down here... but please know that you are so deeply loved, missed, and adored. For 16.2 weeks I held an angel, felt an angel, and sang to an angel. Someone so dear and precious that she left her footprints on this earth in the hearts of the ones who loved her most. My twinkle toes dancing on the stars above. You were too beautiful for earth...

My heart feels heavy at times when I think of you.  Your memory makes it harder to breathe.  I miss having you here in my tummy so that I can glance down, talk to you, sing a song, and touch my hand to my stomach knowing that you are safe and sound.  You are forever missed, never forgotten.

Understanding

I just haven't been able to understand. I've prayed, stepped back to look at the bigger picture, prayed some more, asked for peace, and fallen flat on my face in tears. I will never understand why you didn't get to live your life. It was not God's plan for you to die so soon. I know this in my heart! I've talked it over with God several times and the same simple yet most meaningful answer comes back to my heart... "I am with you."

God has wrapped our Molli in his arms, looked down at us here on earth, and hurts as I hurt... from the pain I have found in the loss of our daughter's life. He doesn't want us to grieve, suffer, or die. This was never his way! I realize this more than ever now! 

8 Weeks Later

Tonight I think of how my body is telling me we're ready to try again yet my heart says I'm not.  Is it supposed to hurt so much 8 weeks post miscarriage?  My thoughts are scattered, I can't focus, it's hard to be excited for others, difficult to be social, and hard to relate to a Husband who was her Daddy and just as much her parent as I was.  I resent my guilt, hate, and anger.  I smile and put on a pretty convincing facade to others but inside I am torn apart, worn down, and downright bitter.  Our daughter's name represents the feelings I have after her death and we didn't plan it that way when we chose her name.  We actually named her 3 weeks before we found out her heart had stopped beating at just 16.2 weeks gestation.  We had her nursery ready, toys, clothes, and picture frames anticipating our first photo holding her that would have been taken in June 2012.  Now her ultrasound photo sits in that frame because we'll never have a photo of her outside of my body that we can place in that frame.

Crimsyn Molli was conceived on September 24, 2011 and left us on December 31, 2011.  I had a D&C on January 2, 2012 after my water broke.  We found out she had actually passed away two days before (by measurements on the ultrasound).  She would never say "I love you Mommy and Daddy."  She would never take her first steps, play with her toys, or harass the two puppy dogs we call our children as well.  She will never beg to go out on a date or ask her Daddy to walk her down the aisle.  These moments were stolen from us... and from our family.

Crimsyn - "Deep Red" (The strong passion and pain we have felt since she has left)
Molli - "Sea of Bitterness" (The sea of tears and bitter feeling left behind from her passing)

We will always love you Molli.  You are so deeply missed.

BLOG POST:
It's been 8 weeks today since Mommy and Daddy realized we wouldn't be taking you home with us in June after all. It hasn't gotten much easier either. We miss you so much. I can never replace my Crimsyn Molli. There will never be a moment that you are forgotten, not even for a second. We love you Angel Bug! You are so very dear and special to us. I know you're up there looking down on us while we wipe tears from our eyes, and you don't understand the pain we feel because you are in such a wonderful place where you feel no pain. I am glad you are safe up there even though I wish I could have had the chance to protect you here on earth. Happy Birthday! It's been 8 weeks since you earned your wings... ♥ Love, Mommy and Daddy

I Never Imagined

I never imagined that even after fighting to make a dream come true through years of heartache and tears, that Satan would be allowed to come along and rip it away! That blessing I held for those 16.2 short weeks was the main reason I breathed again. My source of happiness was stolen from me. Memories? Nothing will ever compare to the way I felt when she was here! Mommy misses you Crimsyn Molli! You are Mommy's diva, Daddy's tiny dancer, our June bug... Always! ♥

Today Mommy's tummy has been hurting where you normally were. You always curled up on my left side directly to the side of my navel. Mommy went to the Dr. because I've been having these "sympathy" pains for the past few days now but our Dr. assured me that there is nothing there after doing extensive ultrasounds and tests. He couldn't explain these pains but Mommy knows why I'm having them. Lately I've missed you more than usual. I know your baby shower was planned for next month and that has been heavy on my heart. I just miss you baby girl. I pray that your sister will soon be in that spot that you clung to so sweetly. I pray that she gets here soon and makes it all the way with the same strong health that you had. You were such a fighter! Also, I pray that my body is free from ailments while carrying her the entire pregnancy and that we have a complication free delivery! God knows our hearts and hears our prayers. He is a wonderful God! Goodnight Angel! We love you Molli.

7 Weeks Later

Goodnight my angel... 7 weeks has gone by so slow even though it seems like just yesterday when I was telling your Daddy of the "butterflies" you were playing with in my tummy. I miss those tiny nudges and flutters. We've made it 7 weeks through grief and heartache so far. I know even in 7 years there will be the same emptiness knowing we have a beautiful daughter in heaven that can't be here with us. We will always miss you sweet baby. ♥

I miss you even more today than yesterday. I wish I had you here still! Tomorrow we would have been 24 weeks gestation together. We would be silly by shopping for your shower that was planned for next month. We would be dreaming of hair bows, ribbons, dresses, sugar, spice, and everything nice. Instead, it will be 7 weeks tomorrow since we had to blow a kiss to an ultrasound screen and say we now have an angel for a daughter. It will be 7 weeks since my world was thrown of it's axis yet everyone around me were able to move on. It will never be the same, it won't get easier to breathe, and the dreams we had for you will never come to pass. I love you Molli. Daddy loves you Molli. Nana and Aunt Kit love their Molli. You are so terribly missed. I pray for peace daily but none has come for me yet. I hope for a new beginning and trust that God will restore. He is a peace speaker, a heart mender, and a soul keeper. He is a BIG God! ♥ Perhaps he has another blessing in pink for us. Perhaps it's you... Getting a second chance with the parents who hurt for your baby laugh, sparkling eyes, and soft baby skin everyday. We ♥ our baby girl!