4 Weeks Later

What could I say that I haven't already said a hundred times already? If only I could have you back here with me... and for your Daddy to be able to hold his baby girl and know that he would protect her for all her years to come. To know that I would have prepared her for her own fair share of heartaches while she was growing up. Making sure to warn her of how insecure life really is and how accidents happen, mistakes can't always be erased, and my love will never change regardless of either one that may arise in her life. To hold her and tell her that life is too short and to never take one day for granted... even when Mommy and Daddy disappoint her or make her mad, that she'd better huff and puff with a smile knowing that we did it out of love! ♥ I know I those moments were stolen from me here on earth but when I get where I'm going... I will make it all known to you sweet girl.

Your Daddy is every bit your Daddy and Mommy was in no way perfect at times... But we loved you with every single ounce of adoration that we ever knew how to hold in our hearts. We had no idea our time with you would be so brief, but we didn't take one minute for granted.... everywhere we went we were sure to show you off, talk about you to everyone and anyone who'd listen, took photos of you every week (even a 4D at 16 weeks), documented every flutter or bubble in my pregnancy journal, and sang to you daily so to prepare you to be my lil' Diva! LOL! We soaked you up and were always so happy because you were here with us.

You see, my baby Molli, even Daddy had gotten to where he would hold my belly so to say "hi" to you... Did you know he would kiss you and sing to you too? He had gotten to where he would text me and ask Mommy "How's my girls?" And some days, he would drive all the way to Mommy just to bring her lunch for you. He had so much love in his heart for you that he never knew he could love someone he had never met as much as he already loved your Mommy. You know how much I love you because I tell you so terribly often, but I wanted you to know just how much you are loved by the Daddy here on earth that was left behind. He didn't get to bond with you like I did and it upsets him too. He didn't get to hold you or feel you kick... He was robbed of those moments, you see? His baby girl of only 16.2 weeks who he looked forward to seeing on that ultrasound screen at each appointment was now an angel in heaven and he didn't even get to hold her first!? It has been really hard on Daddy and he hides it from Mommy sometimes because, well, he's a Daddy. ♥

It's been 4 weeks baby girl. I hope you're settling in wonderfully up there regardless of the heartache left behind down here. You were meant to be... God makes no mistakes, man does! Mommy and you were failed by Mommy's doctors... I'm so sorry angel! I will make sure that your Sister is not given the same poor medical attention. She will be safe with Mommy and Daddy (just as you were) so tell her to get really excited because you would have loved to have been here with us instead, and would gladly take her place just so that you could have met your parents who waited so many years to see your precious face. One sweet day...

We love you baby girl!
♥ Mom and Dad

Another Minute...

Another minute has just gone by in another hour of another day. Come Monday it will have been another week without you in our lives. 4 weeks past and it sometimes seems like things are coming together and then that day rushes back to memory as a tide that crashes the shore and I lose my footing. I understand now. I understand the love a Mother has for her child. I miss you with every breath that I take and think of how you never even breathed your first...

I pray for strength daily, God hear my prayers: I surrender all. You have a baby girl that means everything to me up there with you now. Please give her a kiss from me and her Daddy. Then when YOU'RE ready, please make us parents again to her baby sister.  Amen. ♥

Proud To Be An Angel's Mom

I AM AN ANGEL'S MOM!!! That makes me a prayer warrior constantly sending up love to heaven above, air blowing kisses to the skies for my angel to catch, reading bedtime stories out loud in hopes that she is listening, and walking into an empty nursery just to rearrange another stuffed animal for her! I'm a strong mountain refusing to be moved by devastation, a solid faith holder as God carries me through this storm, a tissue queen after every good cry is done, a grief author that has enough heartache to write a book on loss, a nurse that's mended my own broken heart, a librarian that files away the pain sometimes just to show a smile, a mime that knows words aren't always best, a ray of sunshine to show the positive side of life and that it will get better once the storms subside, a psychiatrist that sorts through my own guilt, doubt, and fears daily, a woman that stands in the grace of God thanking him every step of the way, a beautiful person that claims our baby girl is still our miracle and always will be, a believer that God can do anything and he's still working on me, an anchor that clings to hope knowing this isn't the end, & I am even tough enough to scare away Satan! I don’t get holidays, sick pay, or days off!! I work through the heartache in the day and rarely sleep a wink at night! I am looking up to heaven for the rest of my life hoping to get a glimpse of my baby girl's smile. I may not be anything to you but I am EVERYTHING to her… I'M A PROUD MOM TO AN ANGEL BABY!

Can't Sleep Through The Pain

Sleep taunts me as I bat my eyes that feel as though they are leaking sand. The tears have eroded deep grooves into my cheeks from the all familiar road that they repeatedly take throughout the day as emotions seem to vanish and reappear incessantly. If I were to wear mascara tonight then my face would look as though it were part of her nursery design with "zebra" patterns adorned on my cheeks as well as the shirt I wear. Poems seem to produce a moment of relief and serve as a creative outlet for me to explain my unbearable suffering. Short and brief such as her life, I find peace in the words I write. I hope to drift off to sleep and dream again soon so that I can hold you...
Mommy loves you baby girl ♥ R.I.P. CMR ♥

Bittersweet

I'm sorry if you shy from me fearing what you might say wrong

I apologize if it bothers you but I am a Mother to a child that's gone

I don't know what to say if you feel like you can't share your excitement with me

I'm saddened and dismayed but this bittersweet grief is something that's here to stay

I wish you all the happiness in your journey and on your way

I hope you'll think of how blessed you are next time you start to complain today

Your back hurts, your feet swell, you have a headache that hurts like hell but can't you see?

You are living the dream that I had to say goodbye to just short of 17 weeks

So please enjoy it as if you were me as I watch from a distance and grieve

It's bittersweet...

Written by: Ashley Ruebin

3 Weeks Later

‎3 weeks ago today we were told we had lost our little girl... It hasn't gotten any easier and when someone asks me how I'm doing these days I lose it a little bit inside. I am forever broken and I understand that I will always wonder about the sweet baby that never got to be with me and her Daddy. You are my ♥ and you took a piece of Mama with you when you left. I grieve for you in the silences and put on a smile for everyone else to see... As I wipe away at the tears, I know pain is only temporary. I can't explain or describe the pain of the loss we have experienced. So deep, unrelenting, and shows no mercy... No parent should have to ever bury their child, their baby! We miss you always! Our baby girl, Crimsyn Molli. ♥

Empty

I have an empty bed

It's fairly small in size

It's still missing a mattress

I was sure we'd have it in time

We loved the color too

The shade of green, so blue

I imagined you in there

Now I walk past and stare

The bedroom was a spare

We prepared it with such extra care

You were such a tiny pink surprise

We planned you but still couldn't believe our eyes

I have an empty crib

It was meant to be yours

We decorated with pinks and purples

So many fun ideas in store

I have your picture frames

"Princess" and "It's a girl" all the same

Daddy removed your picture from there

Mommy couldn't handle the memory nor dare

To try and imagine you gone

It has been so short yet seems so long

You were so close to our touch

It's tragic how much we've had to miss, so much

We will never see you laugh or hold you when you cry

Never sing you off to sleep with an original lullaby

We can't cradle or rock you, only stuffed animals instead

You see sweet baby you left us aching with everything left unsaid

You won't ever tattle on your siblings

We won't see you argue back

You can't play Mommy against Daddy

Even though you would've always won at that

I won't be able to watch you as you play

The dogs can't chase you while you keep them at bay

I can't hold you as you start to take your first steps

I won't grip your hand or watch you as you learn to dress yourself

Daddy can't chase away your boyfriends

He can't give you a hard time

You can't beg him to take you and your friends shopping

Or ask him for his last dime

Daddy won't walk you down the aisle this time

He won't give you your last kiss as a "Miss"

But rest assured when he gets to heaven

He will hold his baby girl and you'll never guess

Our love for you is always

Until a day past eternity

You see, Daddy made that promise to Mommy

And to you it's a promise we will keep

I hate I never got to hold you

To kiss your head so soft

I will wait so long again until I can see you

Or know if it is me you favor after all

I know you would've made a fantastic woman

A mother and a friend

I couldn't wait to see your children

I couldn't wait to hold their little hands

It's ok my sweet angel

Don't fret or worry for us

Know Mommy and Daddy are making due

We will get by on our love

One day when we get to heaven

Promise me you'll be the first in line

Waiting on us at those golden gates

Assure us you'll be on time

We can't wait to meet again, Molli

Your arms are all I anticipate

Your nursery may be sad for now

But one day another baby will be at play

I hope you don't mind sharing your dresses

The special ones we bought with you in mind

I'm sure you can share your toys

When our new little one arrives

We love you our baby girl

Never will that ever change

As much I wish there was more

You already know my heart and all I could ever say

Written by: Ashley Ruebin