Monday, March 25, 2013

63 Weeks Later

I will carry you, all your life!

Mommy misses you! Hope you like what I wrote for you today.

*Carry You Again*

Tread lightly
On my broken heart
Speak softly
Without mention of us being apart

I miss you today
I might cry tomorrow
Dream of you, I may
Yesterday was borrowed

Wheels of time turn
Before I had time to think
Memories in my mind burn
My baby girl, all in pink

Forever seems so far away
Lingers in the wind
I can't wait for the day
When I can carry you again

By: Ashley Ruebin

♥ CMR ♥

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Beauty From Ashes


Isaiah 61:3

Beauty from ashes, my sweet girl. God has given us so much these past 18 months... Along the way I have picked up heartache, shed tears, felt joy, and been given a second chance. You will always be one of my greatest blessings even though we are now forever separated in this life.

I love you, Molli.

♥ CMR ♥

Monday, March 18, 2013

62 Weeks Later

 
62... I was feeling quite drab today and couldn't shake it. I even told Daddy that I was feeling down... then I remembered! Today is your day, Monday, as every Monday is. I miss you more than you could ever know. I've cried countless tears that have worn away at my face. I've hurt night after night, longing to hold the baby girl that I never had the chance to know.

I know that I am not the same as I was. Others have moved on, picked up the pieces, and managed to not mention you as before; but I will never be the same. I am not the woman I was then and that's ok by me. I have learned so much in such little time. My soul has aged and has become jaded.

You're not safe just because you pray and ask for protection. You're not invincible just because you are carrying another life... inside of you. You're not free from worry during what should be one of the most happiest times of your life. I am your Mother, and who could protect you better than I? I feel as though I failed you, and for this I am sorry.

Molli, I remember back to the day we found out we were expecting you (October 4, 2011). We were so giddy imagining all the tutus and dresses you would wear, if you were a girl. I felt you kick by the first week of December! What a great Christmas gift! You were my tiny dancer, dancing all around in my tummy! Then came December 9, 2011... we learned you were our baby girl, we named you Crimsyn Molli, and dreamed of June 2012... when we could finally hold you. You had gifts under the tree, a diaper bag, clothes, and even a pink boppy!

Less than a month later, you were gone. We never got to see you, hold you, or touch you as we had imagined... Your dresses were stored away, some items gifted to friends having little misses at the time, and it all happened so fast. I was robbed of those moments with you. I never had the chance to say hello before a goodbye was in order. That day haunts me and plays over and over in my head.

Your baby brother has cushioned the blow. I can't even begin to say how thankful we are for him. He saved me... he saved Mommy from such a deep depression. He has been such a blessing to us and we love him dearly. I have learned to not take one day for granted with him, since losing you. I treasure each and every breath he takes as he's helped me to breathe again. I praise God that we tried again because I have him now!

You opened up doors and changed my entire world at the same time. I am so blessed to have had a daughter and a son within a year's time, but so heartbroken that I couldn't keep you both. I can only imagine how beautiful you are... I wish I had seen your face.

Goodnight my sweet angel. Not one tear falls in vain, your memory is worth all the pain.

♥ CMR ♥

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I Need You


Feeling down tonight. I wish the grief didn't hit so hard, so unexpectedly. Where do you go after losing a child? There's not a "club" you can join, besides... Nobody wants to join that club anyway. Nobody ever imagines losing a child.

I wish I had some wisdom beyond my years that I had earned from this experience, but none was gained. I wish the footsteps I walk weren't so repetitive. It seems I walk in circles around the grief, the hurt, and the tears.

I pray for peace once again tonight, as I ready myself for bed. I pray for peace...

♥ CMR ♥

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Loneliness

 
I felt like writing to you as Try snoozes in his bassinet...

Your baby brother is such a character, Molli. He will stare at the clovers decorating our walls and just crack up laughing. I wonder, does he know that's his symbol from us? He must! He just enjoys clovers too much.

I wish we could have had you both here with us. What a wonderful life that would have been. Both of my babies are very special to me in very different ways.
...
You showed us it was possible! We were so scared because we had never gotten so far before... You showed us how to have such naive faith and trust... Pure innocence. You taught us that it is okay to want certain dreams in your life, it is ok to drop your guard from excitement of your "finally" coming to be, you allowed us to be parents for 4 months... and always! You paved the way! My strong, sweet, tiny dancer!

Your brother showed us what it feels like to open our hearts and love again. How to trust again with hopes of health and new life at the end of a heartbreaking, long journey. He has made us complete. We actually almost named him Journey! But Try seemed so much more appropriate. It was the "try" again that lead us through the journey, after all. He makes us so happy and proud. I know you can see that.

We love you, baby girl. You served a grand purpose. You weren't meant to stay and some days that is ok, Mommy understands. Other days, I am angry and I feel jilted because I miss you so much. I feel forever bi-polar drudging around in grief but those that know me best, know my heart. There is a piece forever placed among the stars and clouds. A piece that will always dance with angels, and that... Well, that is also ok with me. ♥

Monday, March 4, 2013

60 Weeks Later

 
Today marks 60 weeks... Hard to believe. Had you told me I would be losing a daughter at 27 years old and welcoming a son by 28, I wouldn't have believed you!!!

The person I was back in December 2011 is dead and gone. I have had to pick up pieces and relearn so much in my life. My trust was broken and faith shaken. It is still not back to where it was. Getting pregnant doesn't always result in taking home a baby at the end of those 9 months. You're not safe... Something our OB told us we were just one week prior to your death.

I was so sure that you were our miracle after 6 years of praying. I never saw it ending as it did. I miss you more than words could ever express. I'm sorry I couldn't save us. I wish I could go back... I'd do so much differently. So many guilty regrets I would un...do. I would never have failed you!

I pray for peace but it's yet to come. I've tried letting go but it's not to be. I counted the seconds to minutes to hours to days... Now I count the weeks. I wish I didn't hurt so bad. I wish I could live the way I did back when you were in my tummy.

Life sucks and it's not fair. No matter how much you pray, you're not protected from it. I prayed every day when you were in my tummy. I thanked God for you and told him how grateful I was that he trusted us with you. I told him of plans we had for you and how thrilled we were to have this precious miracle thriving.

Perhaps bc we wanted you so much and would have been so happy, He took you back?! I remember saying how you were too good to be true.

How amazing it was to be having our first baby, a girl, and due in June (Our wedding anniversary month)?! You were too good to be true. And you couldn't stay...

Your baby brother looks so much like you. He shares that adorable "butt" chin of yours and has the sweetest smile! I wish you could grow up with him. I wish you could know him. He is such a character and has such spirit!!! He's so active and reminds me of the "DIVA" attitude you so often would show us you were capable of. He's amazing!

You would have loved us... We sure love you!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I Saw You

 
Mommy saw you tonight. It must have been you?! Playing with baby brother's bassinet, peering at me from an angle, big smile and two bottom teethies exposed. It was you!

How I love seeing you in the glances, reflections, and shadows; however there are times I wish I didn't see you so not to be reminded of what I'm missing, the baby girl I carried for four brief months, my Molli.

Some may think that I'm imagining your visits because of the amount of grief I now carry, but I know angels are among us. You are my angel. I love you so.
...
Goodnight, Mall bear.
♥ CMR ♥